The Adventures of Lavender & The 8th: Middle Earth
by dark-hearted rose
Summary: [[ABANDONED]] Two teens get launched into Middle Earth and join the Fellowship. Chaos ensues. Rated for safety and stupidity. All readers and reviewers loved forever and ever and ever...
1. Chapter 1

**so yeah. hope you like it.**

**disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, but Lavender and the 8th and anything else that you don't recognize as being otherwise I do. huzzah!**

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_We find our "heroes" in The 8th's living room, playing an obsessive game of Monopoly…_

The 8th: Ooh, ooh, ooh! How much do I have to pay to buy The Shire?

…_LOTR Monopoly, that is… _

Lavender: Umm…oh, wait. That's one of mine…pay up! It's 18 dollars.

The 8th: Awww, man… _(pouts)_

Lavender: Yes! It looks like I'm going to win this time!

The 8th: No! That's…not…possible… I always win… _(pouts even more than last_ _time)_ Just roll the dice.

Lavender: Okay. _(rolls dice) (throws dice) (time mysteriously slows down in an_ _attempt to create suspense as the dice fly though the air) (dice land)_ YES! 10! FREE PARKING! _(moves game piece) (grabs money in the middle greedily) _Yay!

The 8th: Whaaaa… _(pouts so much that mouth nearly falls off)_

Lavender: Oh, suck it up, The 8th.

The 8th: Okay, fine. _(rolls dice furiously) (throws dice so hard, they knock down the_ _game pieces) (picks up game piece and proceeds to move it)_ Okay, let's see here…one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… oh my gosh.

Lavender: Holy Hobbits…

The 8th: YES! YES! YES! I…can't…believe it! I landed on Middle Earth! _(the space where Boardwalk would be)_

Lavender: _(coughs awkwardly) _So, you wanna buy it?

The 8th: What do you think? _(finds 400 dollars in pile and gives it to Lavender)_

Lavender: _(reluctantly hands over property) (pouts)_ I don't want to play anymore…

The 8th: That's 'cause that was the last property for sale, and because you know I've already won.

Lavender: Yeah, yeah… you won…

The 8th: _(gets up and begins a victory dance around the room)_ I won! I won! I won!…

Lavender: _(collects all the play money)_ Stop dancing, and help me clean this up!

The 8th: _(picks up the "Middle Earth" property card and cradles it in arms)_ _(has a_ _dreamy expression on face)_ That would be sooo cool…

Lavender: _(looks up from cleaning)_ What would be cool?

The 8th: I wish we could actually go to Middle Earth!

…Suddenly, out of nowhere, a little blue man pops out of a flower-print teapot on the kitchen counter…

Lavender: _(glances into kitchen) (does a double-take) (stares disbelievingly)_

The 8th: What's wrong, Lavender?

Lavender: _(shakes head as if to clear something from sight) (looks into kitchen_ _again) (looks at The 8th)_ Oh, there's nothing wrong, it's just that there is a little blue man in your kitchen.

The 8th: WHAT! _(runs into kitchen to look)_ WHOA! IT LOOKS LIKE A SMURF! _(runs_ _back into living room and grabs Lavender)_ C'mon, Lavender! Come see! _(drags_ _Lavender into kitchen points at little man)_ LOOK!

Blue Man: _(in his language—he doesn't speak English)_ I am not a Smurf, you insolent little brat! _(crosses arms and scowls)_

Lavender: _(to The 8t)_ It looks like he's trying to communicate with us… _(to the_ _little man, in a very LOUD voice)_ ARE…YOU…TRYING…TO…SPEAK…WITH…US…?

The 8th: _(noticing how angry the little blue man is becoming) _I don't think that you're helping the situation very much by doing that…

Lavender: Nonsense… _(to the little blue man)_ CAN…YOU…UNDERSTAND…ME…?

Blue Man: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!

_(crickets sound)_

Lavender: Hey, where did those crickets come from? _(looks around)_

The 8th: Who knows? _(shrugs)_

Blue Man: WISH GRANTED! _(disappears)_

Together: What the…

_(scene magically changes as Lavender and The 8th are transported to…Middle Earth!)_

Lavender: _(looks down at feet)_ Ewww… what am I standing in?

The 8th: _(pinches nose closed with fingers)_ I think it's horse crap.

Lavender: Ugh… _(steps out of pile and wipes feet on grass)_

The 8th: _(points) _Look, a pony!

Lavender: _(turns head to look)_ Where?

Bill the Pony: Neigh

The 8th: _(points)_ Over there!

Bill the Pony: _(eats some shrubs)_

Lavender: Oh, now I see him!

The 8th: _(turns away from Bill the Pony and sees a lake) (points)_ Look, a lake!

Lavender: _(turns) (whistles respectfully)_ Wow… that's a big lake… _(squints eyes_ _and leans forward)_ Hey, look over on the other side of the lake…is that…

The 8th: _(squints)_ …what I think it is…?

Together: PEOPLE!

Big, Scary Lake: _(ripples in the middle)_

…_Lo and behold, Lavender and The 8th have stumbled upon… The Company of the Ring!_

(to be continued...)

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**please review!**

**love,**

**dark-hearted rose**


	2. Chapter 2

**you can tell i was bored when i was writing this, huh?**

**disclaimer: Lavender and The 8th belong to me. everything else doesn't.**

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Pippin: (_picks up another rock and throws it in the lake)_

Big, Scary Lake: _more ripples_

Gandalf: _(to Pippin)_ Stop it! you stupid Hobbit, before I throw _you_ in there!

Lavender: _(to The 8th)_ Let's move closer to them and see if they are friendly or not.

The 8th: Okay.

Together: _(creep closer)_

Sam: _(sobs)_ I'm gonna miss Bill…

Frodo: It's okay, Sam… _(pats Sam on shoulder)_

Big, Scary Lake: _(waves lap against shore)_

Aragorn: Gandalf, the lake doesn't look too happy…

The 8th: Hey, Lavender…I think we've come across The Company!

Lavender: _(nearly faints)_

Gandalf: "…speak, friend, and enter…speak, friend, and enter…" blast it all, I can't figure this out…

Boromir: _(sniggers)_ I told you we shouldn't have gone by way of Moria.

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ Boromir, now is not the time…

Boromir: _(glares)_

Merry: Wait, Gandalf, what's the Elvish word for "friend"?

Gandalf: Of course! All too simple really…

Company: WELL…?

Gandalf: All we have to do is say the Elvish word for "friend"!

Gimli: Well, let's get on with it! I do not wish to stand here all night!

Gandalf: Very well, very well… "_Mellon_"!

Magic Door: _(opens)_

Gandalf: Let's go!

_Suddenly…a monster arises from the lake!_

Big, Scary Monster: _(grabs Frodo by the ankle)_

Frodo: AHHHHHHH!

Sam: MR. FRODO! _(slashes at monster with knife)_

Lavender: _(gasp)_ We have to help them!

The 8th: C'mon!

Together: _(creep very fast over to Company)_

Big, Scary Monster: _(lets go of Frodo, but prepares for another attack)_

Gandalf: _(gets attention of rest of Company, who are rooted to the spot)_ Get inside here, you morons!

Rest of Company: _(stampedes through door)_

Frodo & Sam: _(run towards door)_

Gandalf: _(makes for door)_

Lavender & The 8th: _(sprint towards door)_

Big, Scary Monster: _(attacks!)_

Company: _(makes it inside!)_

Lavender & The 8th: _(slip past monster and make it!)_

Big, Scary Monster: _(slams door shut)_

Magic Door: _(closes)_

_(darkness reigns)_

Everyone: _(breathes deep sighs of relief)_

Legolas: _(sniffs)_ This place smells unwholesome.

Gimli: You wanna start something, Elf boy?

Legolas: _(ignores Gimli)_

Pippin: _(walks around) (steps on someone's foot)_

Sam: OW! My foot! _(hops up and down, holding foot)_

Pippin: Sorry, Sam.

Sam: That's okay, Mr. Pippin. A Hobbit can't see properly in this place.

Frodo: It's too dark in here.

Merry: _(chuckles)_ Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Frodo: What did you say, Merry?

Merry: _(hurriedly)_ Nothing, nothing…

Legolas: _(squints eyes, trying to see something)_ Alas! even I cannot see through this impenetrable darkness!

Gimli: Shut up, Legolas. You need to learn some manners.

Legolas: _(taken aback)_ What?

Gimli: This is pretty much my realm, remember? I'm a Dwarf… these are Dwarf ruins… get my point? So stop bragging, or whatever it is you're doing.

Legolas: _(pouts)_ But…but…

Gandalf: _(to Legolas & Gimli)_ I don't have time for your petty arguing. If you two want to be girls, than you can go back outside.

Legolas & Gimli: _(pouts)_ But…but…

Rest of Company: JUST SHUT UP!

Aragorn: Gandalf, turn on a light, please.

Gandalf: That would help… _(lights up his magic walking-stick)_ Come, Gimli. You need to help me lead this fine company through these mines.

Gimli: _(smirks at Legolas)_ All right, Gandalf.

Legolas: _(glares)_

Company: _(starts walking)_

Lavender: We have to follow them, The 8th. _(looks around and can't see The 8th)_ The 8th? Where are you?

The 8th: _(already started walking behind Company)_ C'mon, you slacker!

Lavender: _(catches up with The 8th)_

Together: _(stalks Company)_

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**please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**huzzah for boredom!**

**disclaimer: yeah...you get it already.**

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…_A couple of hours later… _

Gimli: …with lanterns everywhere! This place used to be filled with light! _(looks around—or rather, tries to see something through the darkness)_

Merry: _(whispers to Pippin)_ I wish he would stop talking…what he says just makes the darkness so much more…dark…

Pippin: _(whispers)_ I know… I'm getting tired of his blabbing.

…_A few yards away…_

Lavender: _(whispers to The 8th)_ When will he ever shut up?

The 8th: _(shakes head in mock sadness)_ How I wish I could just ring his neck, so we can get through this place in peace and quiet.

Lavender: _(stifles laughter)_

…_Several hours later_…

Gandalf: _(is stumped on which arch to go through)_ Hmmm…which arch…? Oh well, I'm too tired to decide, and I'm sure you are too. _(glances back at rest of companions, who are practically crawling along on hands and knees because they are so tired)_ Yes, I guessed correctly…

Frodo: What is that room to the side there, Gandalf?

Merry & Pippin: _(in unison)_ Where?

Frodo: _(points)_ Over there.

Merry & Pippin: _(rush towards room)_

Aragorn: Hold it, you two! Let the guide go first, while you still have one.

Lavender: _(sigh)_ He's so wise…

The 8th: _(is disgusted)_ Ewww…Lavender, do you have a thing for Aragorn? He's so…old…

Lavender: _(is brought back from her dream-world)_ Huh?…oh…no, I don't have a "thing" for Aragorn…

The 8th: _(is unconvinced)_ Sure…

Gandalf: _(walks cautiously towards room) (peers inside)_ It's relatively safe, except that there is a rather large hole in the middle of the room.

Everyone: _(makes their way inside)_

Gimli: _(looks at hole)_ This must be a well…I'm guessing this room was a guardroom, and this well is where the guards got their water. Look! There are the remains of the stone lid, over there! _(points)_

…_Ten minutes later…_

Pippin: _(tosses a small stone into well)_

Small Stone: ………………..PLOP!………..

Gandalf: _(gasp)_ What in the name of Middle Earth was that?

Pippin: Uhhh…that was me…I threw a rock into the well.

Gandalf: You fool of a Took! We should just throw you in there, so we won't have to deal with your stupidity anymore!

…_At that moment…_

Weird noise: _(issues from well)_ plinkplonkplinkplonkplink…

Frodo: What was _that_?

Gimli: That's the sound of a hammer, or I'm an Elf.

Legolas: Hey!

Gimli: _(ignores Legolas)_

Boromir: That sounded a lot like a signal of some sort…

Gandalf: Yes, it did, but hopefully it had nothing to do with us and that stupid stone… _(to Pippin)_ Just for that, Peregrin, you can go on first watch.

Everyone (except Pippin): _(settles down to get some sleep)_

Pippin: _(thinks to himself)_ I hate this place…I wish we were out in the sunlight again…oh no, what if something horrible is out there…? _(looks out of doorway)_ I don't like this place at all…

…_One hour later… _

Gandalf: _(walks over to an increasingly frightened Pippin)_ Why don't you get some sleep? I can't get any, so I might as well do the watching.

Pippin: Wh-what? _(looks around, startled)_ Oh, it's only you, Gandalf…

Gandalf: _(beginning to get cross)_ Did you even hear _one_ word of what I just said?

Pippin: No, now that you mention it…why are you over here?

Gandalf: _(shouts)_ Because I'm going to relieve you of your watch, you blockhead!

Pippin: _(scurries over to an empty spot and lays out his blankets) (looks around at his companions, who are still sleeping) (murmurs to himself)_ Amazing…and I thought _I_ was a heavy sleeper… _(settles down and falls asleep)_

…_Six hours later…_

Gandalf: _(wakes _almost_ everyone up)_

The 8th: _(wakes up suddenly) (stretches) (yawns) (looks around room at others, then spots a sleeping Lavender) (shakes Lavender)_ Wake up, Lavender. The others are starting to get up too.

Lavender: _(tosses and turns) (talks in sleep)_ Elmo…wait! I want to go to Sesame Street too! _(moans)_ No! Take me with you…

The 8th: What the heck…? _(shakes Lavender harder)_ Wake up!

Lavender: _(sits bolt upright)_ Wh-what…? Oh…hey, The 8th. _(yawns)_

The 8th: Hey… _(looks around)_ Umm, Lavender, did we have enough sense to bring any food with us? I'm kinda hungry…

Lavender: Umm…hey! Let's look in those packs that were randomly on our backs when we got here.

The 8th: _(bends over and rummages through packs)_ You mean these?

Lavender: Yeah.

The 8th: _(finds some lembas and gives a bit to Lavender) (eats some lembas) (rummages through packs some more) _Wow! These things have everything! Food, water skins, blankets…even some rope!

…_At that moment…_

Sam: _(rummages through packs)_ Oh no! I _knew_ I forgot something! I forgot rope! Mark my words, Mr. Frodo…we're going need rope at some point on this trip, and when we do, I won't have any! It _always_ works that way… _(slaps palm against forehead)_

Frodo: Don't worry, Sam. We'll have rope when we need it. Now stop worrying and eat something. We'll probably be leaving soon.

Gandalf: Alright, everyone. I've made up my mind. We'll take the right passageway. Now, start packing everything up. We need to get going if we're ever going to get out of these mines.

…_Five minutes later…_

Everyone: _(stands in front of the arches)_

Frodo: Which way did you say we were going, Gandalf?

Gandalf: To the right.

Merry: _(groans)_ But that's the uphill way!

Gandalf: You can stay down here if you want, but I know which way I'm going; we are going right.

Merry: _(sigh)_ Oh, all right.

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**as always, reviews welcome...**


	4. Chapter 4

**hello, all...**

**here's chapter four! huzzah!**

**thanks to my two reviewers, MikoHatome and Tansiana! and (hint, hint) i REALLY like reviews...**

**disclaimer: poor Tolkien...he's probably writhing in his grave because of this thing...**

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…_Eight hours later…_

Pippin: (_pants)_ That must have been a good twenty-mile walk! I doubt my poor feet will ever be comfortable again.

Gandalf: Cheer up, my Hobbit friend. I have chosen the correct path, and we will soon be out of these dark mines.

Pippin: Yes, but we still have quite a ways to go after we get out of here.

Gandalf: Well, I can't argue with you there.

Pippin: (_sigh)_ That's what I thought.

Frodo: (_gasp)_ Look, the walls are gone!

Gandalf: _WHAT?_

Everyone: (_looks around) (collective gasp)_

Gandalf: That's because we are in one of the great Halls of the Dwarves of this land. If I remember rightly, there are some windows that lead up to the surface of the mountains that let light in this room, but it's still dark because it is night. We shall rest here, and wait until morning to continue.

Lavender: (_sighs happily)_ Good, I'm glad we don't have to go any further…y'know, I could hug him for not making us go on…

The 8th: (_grins)_ You'd better not…Aragorn might get jealous…

Lavender: (_shoves The 8th)_

Sam: I have a question. Even though it is very dark, I imagine that this place must have held hoards of Dwarves in it's time. Why did they come here? And so many too?

Gandalf: For _mithril_. It is found in no other place in the whole world, and all the Races dearly loved it. It's brighter than silver, yet stronger than steel, and is especially valuable, since very little above-land is left. Bilbo once had a mail shirt made of _mithril_ that Thorin gave him. I wonder what ever became of it…

Gimli: Are you joking? Gandalf, that was a gift fit for a king! A corslet of _mithril_…?

Pippin: Do you know what happened to it, Frodo?

Frodo: What? Oh, no, I don't. (_looks around furtively, then feels under his tunic for his mail shirt) (thinks to himself) _Wow…and to think I've been tramping around with the price of the Eastfarthing under my jacket…

Pippin: Frodo, what exactly are you doing with your hand in your shirt like that?

Frodo: (_takes hand hastily away from tunic)_ Nothing.

Pippin: Whatever you say, Frodo…

…_Hours later… _

Gandalf: Good morning! And it _is_ morning, since some light is shining through those windows I've mentioned. Look!

Pippin: (_jumps out of bed)_ I can see!

Merry: (_jumps out of bed)_ I haven't gone blind!

Merry & Pippin: (_link arms and start jigging)_ We can SEE!

Gandalf: Shut up, you two, and stop dancing like that.

Lavender: (_moans)_ Who's yelling so loud? _opens eyes_ Ow! And why is it so bright in here?

The 8th: (_covers Lavender's mouth with hands)_ (_whispers)_ Shut up! It's light, so they might see us!

Both: (_draw back into the shadows)_

Gandalf: As I was saying before these two started their absurd little dance, we should be out of these mines before the day is out.

Aragorn: (_jumps up and down)_ (_claps hands)_ We made it! We made it!

Boromir: (_jumps up and down)_ (_claps hands)_ We're alive! We're alive!

Aragorn & Boromir: (_link arms and start jigging)_ We can get OUT of here!

Everyone Else: (_stares in shocked silence)_

Legolas: Oh, my. (_covers eyes with hands)_

Gandalf: "Oh, my" is right. Clearly we need to get out of here…this place is doing some odd things to the minds of two perfectly sane Men I know…

Aragorn: (_cough)_ We're not crazy, Gandalf, simply elated. If you recall, not too many of us wanted to go in here in the first place…

Boromir: And as _I_ recall, two of our Hobbit friends were doing the exact same thing only a few moments ago. I wonder…why are Men of the West pronounced crazy when they imitate the actions of Hobbits, while the Hobbits are merely called foolish?

Frodo: (_narrows eyes)_ Are you trying to say something, Boromir?

Boromir: Nothing at all, Master Frodo, simply making an observation.

Sam: (_whispers to Frodo)_ Mr. Frodo, I don't know if you noticed, but Boromir has been acting quite strangely lately…I'd watch out if I was you…you remember how he acted back at Rivendell…

Frodo: (_whispers)_ Hush, Sam. It may be simply this darkness that's affecting him, and nothing about the Ring at all.

Sam: (_whispers)_ All right, Mr. Frodo…but don't say I haven't warned you.

Frodo: (_still whispering…)_ I'll say nothing of the kind Sam. Right now, though, let's pack up and focus on getting out of here.

Sam: Right you are, Mr. Frodo.

…_Ten minutes later…_

Gandalf: All right, everyone. Before we continue, I just want to do some exploring. The path divides again a little farther on and I want to see which one we should take.

Boromir: I thought you said you knew where you were going!

Gandalf: I am fairly sure of myself, I just want to confirm my suspicions. You can go on, of course, but there are no promises that we'll retrieve you from some dark place you've managed to become ensnared in.

Aragorn: (_smirks)_

Boromir: (_mumbles)_ I'll stay with you.

Gandalf: Good. Now, let's go and peek into that chamber with so much light coming from it.

…_In the room…_

Frodo: (_stands in front of a curious table in the middle of the room)_ It looks like a tomb…

Gandalf: (_reads inscription)_ Dang it!

Everyone Else: What?

Gandalf: Balin's dead.

Gimli: (_hides face with hood of cloak)_

Lavender: That sucks.

The 8th: Obviously.

Pippin: (_gasp)_ Gandalf, look at the floor.

Gandalf: Well, I guess that's what happened to the rest of them… (_looks more closely at various skeletons and weapons lying on the floor)_ Killed by Orcs.

Merry: (_points)_ Look over there, in that corner…what is that?

Gandalf: (_picks up object)_ It's an old book… (_flips through book gently)_

Boromir: It looks as though it's about to fall apart.

Sam: (_gasp)_ And what is that horrible stain on the front cover? Is that…?

Gandalf: Blood.

Sam: (_shudders)_

Gandalf: Hmmm…this appears to be a record of Balin and his exploits here in Moria…let's see here…"found _mithril_…found some gold…Balin is lord of Moria…" _sigh_ I fear it is grim reading from here on…

Gimli: No matter how grim, I will bear it, but what happened to my folk?

Gandalf: Listen: "…We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and the second hall…the pool is up to the wall at Westgate. The Watcher in the Water took Óin. We cannot get out. The end comes…drums, drums in the deep…they are coming."

Boromir: (_whistles)_ Dang…

Gandalf: (_hands book to Gimli)_ Here, Gimli. You keep it, and we can look at it more closely later. Now…let's get back to the hall.

…_Just then…_

Scary Drums: boom, doom, doom!

…The place has been filled with…ORCS!

Legolas: "They are coming!"

Gimli: "…We cannot get out…"

Gandalf: Aw, crap!

Lavender: We're all gonna die…we're all gonna die…

Aragorn: Quick! Close the doors!

Gandalf: No! Keep that back door open! We must not get trapped in here.

Company: (_draws swords)_

Lavender & The 8th: (_huddle helplessly in a corner)_

Boromir: (_starts closing the door)_

Gandalf: Wait! Don't close it yet. (_walks over to door and thrusts magic walking-stick out into the hall)_

Magic Walking-Stick: (_lights)_

Gandalf: (_looks out door jumps back)_ There are definitely Orcs out there and a cave-troll or two. It's suicide if we try that way.

Boromir: And certain death if they start coming from the back door.

Aragorn: There isn't any sound coming from that way, but it's no good to run blindly while they are just behind us. We need to delay the enemy long enough to escape.

Pippin: (_sigh)_ We have to fight, don't we.

Aragorn: I'm afraid so.

Boromir: (_slams door shut and wedges it with broken swords)_

…_To their dismay…_

Cave-Troll: (_pushes one arm and one foot through door)_

Lavender & The 8th: (_whimper in fear)_

Boromir: The door isn't holding! (_hacks at troll-arm with sword)_

Sword: (_flies out of Boromir's hand)_

Boromir: CRAP! My sword is notched.

Frodo: (_gets really angry)_ For the Shire! (_stabs troll-foot with Sting)_

Sting: (_stings)_

Cave-Troll: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! (_withdraws body parts)_

Boromir: (_slams door shut)_

Aragorn: (_to Frodo)_ Nice work.

Frodo: Naturally.

…_Suddenly…_

Orcs: (_batter door with battering rams)_

Gandalf: Stupid Orcs! They're using battering rams!

Door: (_opens)_

Orcs: (_charge)_

_(fighting ensues)_

…_To everyone's surprise…_

Verizon Wireless Guy: (_holds cell phone up to ear) _Can you hear me now? Good.

Lavender: WHAT THE HECK…? Where did _he_ come from?

Verizon Wireless Guy: (_holds cell phone up to ear) _Can you hear me now? Goo—

Orc #53: (_chops Verizon Wireless Guy's head off)_

Legolas: (_shoots Orc #53)_

13 Orcs: (_are killed by the Company)_

Rest: (_run like the Dickens!)_

Gandalf: Now's our chance! RUN!

…_But…_

Big, Smelly Orc & Co.: (_run in room)_

Big, Smelly Orc: (_charges at Frodo with his huge spear_ _spears Frodo)_

Frodo: (_driven back against wall with spear)_ OOOF!

Sam: MR. FRODO! (_hacks at spear with sword)_

Big, Smelly Orc: (_draws scimitar)_

Aragorn: (_bashes Orc's head in with sword)_

Big, Smelly Orc's Co.: (_flees)_

Aragorn & Boromir: (_chase them out)_

Gandalf: NOW! Let's GO!

Lavender & The 8th: (_sprint through back door nearly kill themselves, as there is a steep staircase)_

Aragorn: (_picks up Frodo runs out of room)_

Rest Of Company: (_runs out of room)_

Boromir: (_slams door shut)_

Frodo: Put me down. I can walk.

Aragorn: (_nearly drops Frodo)_ Holy crap! I thought you were dead! (_sets him on the ground)_

Gandalf: Get down those stairs as quickly as possible, all of you! Wait for me at the bottom for a few minutes, but if I take too long, go on without me. Take paths that go to the right and downwards.

Aragorn: Are you crazy? You can't hold the door alone!

Gandalf: Do what I said. Swords are of no use now. Just go!

Everyone Else: (_waits at the bottom of the stairs)_

…_A couple of minutes later…_

Gandalf: (_flies down the stairs)_ Whew…that was tough…let's go on, but we'll have to go without a light for a while…I am very tired…

Pippin: (_to Merry)_ I wonder what happened…

Merry: Well, he's obviously not very inclined to tell us…maybe when we're safely out of here…

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**please review! i'll update sooner...hehehe**


	5. Chapter 5

**ooh, i love updates, don't you? almost as much as reviews! speaking of which...**

**thanks very much to islington, Tansy, and Miko for reviewing (yeah, i love the Verizon guy too...only, if i did, i wouldn't have had him killed...oh, whatever...)**

**and thanks to those who've been reading and have been too shy to review! (hint hint)**

**disclaimer: uhh...yeah...I love Tolkien for coming up with all this...**

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…_One hour later…_

Everyone: _(reaches a series of flights of stairs proceeds down til the 7th flight)_

Gandalf: It's getting really hot down here…I must rest, though…I am very weary… _(sits down on a step)_

Gimli: What happened back there, Gandalf?

Gandalf: I have no idea. I suddenly found myself facing something I've never met before. I was concentrating on the shutting spell I was using to close the door, then something grasped the iron handle on the other side and perceived me and my spell…the counter-spell was horrible…it nearly destroyed me, and for an instant, it gained control of the door…it started to open! I spoke a word of Command, but that strained the door too much, and it flew to pieces. There was something very black hovering in front of the door, and it blocked all light, and I was thrown backwards down the stairs. Then the wall collapsed, along with the roof of the chamber, I think… But what about you, Frodo? I, along with everyone here, doubtless, thought you were dead. You have no idea how happy I was to hear you speak.

Frodo: I'm alright, I'm not dead, and I am in some pain, but not too much.

Aragorn: All I can say is that Hobbits are obviously made of stronger stuff than I suspected…that thrust would have skewered almost anything!

Frodo: Well, lucky it didn't skewer me, I suppose.

Gandalf: Let us continue! I have rested enough.

…_Soon…_

Gimli: I think there is a light up ahead. But it is not sunlight…it looks red.

The 8th: _(quietly)_ Hey, that rhymed!

Boromir: Firelight?

Gandalf: Perhaps…all we can do is go on.

…_Five minutes later…_

Gandalf: Look. They've set the lower levels on fire…for our welcome reception, no doubt…

Lavender: Y'know, for being excessively ugly, Orcs are rather intelligent. I mean, where would they get the idea to light the lower levels on fire?

The 8th: Probably from some power higher than themselves?

Lavender: What, do you mean Saur—

The 8th: SHHHH! Don't say his name!

Lavender: _(mumbles)_ Geez…you're almost as bad as the people in Harry Potter and their obsession with saying "You-Know-Who"…

Legolas: I don't think they expected us to come from where we did…we're on the wrong side of the trap!

Gandalf: Yes. If we had come down the main road from the upper halls, we would have been trapped. But now we must surely run for it…we _might_ even escape if there is still daylight outside!

The 8th: Oh, _that_ sounds promising…

Gandalf: Follow me! We go towards the Bridge of Khazad-Dum! _(runs)_

Everyone Else: _(follows)_

Orcs: _(shoot at Company)_

Gandalf: Look ahead! The bridge is coming up…I don't need for any of you to fall off…not even Master Peregrin…

Frodo: Why on earth is it so narrow! What were you Dwarves thinking?

Gimli: It was a defense against intruders; they could only go across single file.

Frodo: Well, it's not much of a help to us now, I'm afraid.

Gandalf: Gimli, you go first; Merry and Pippin, you next.

Orcs: _(still shoot arrows)_

Legolas: _(mumbles)_ I'm getting really tired of this… _(nocks arrow)_ _(draws)_ _(gasp)_ Oh no!

Everyone Else: _(turns around)_ What?

Legolas: A Balrog! Ai! A Balrog!

Gimli: _(covers face with hands)_

Gandalf: Oh, I get it now…but this is horrible…I'm already so tired…

Balrog: _(runs towards the Company)_

Boromir: _(blows horn)_

Orcs: _(pause a bit before charging)_

Gandalf: Over the Bridge! Run! This enemy is no match for any of you, and I must hold the way. Run!

Aragorn & Boromir: _(stand their ground)_

Everyone Else: _(runs over Bridge) (stands by the edge on the other side, watching)_

Balrog: _(approaches the Bridge)_

Gandalf: You cannot pass.

Balrog: _(swings sword)_

Gandalf: _(parries blow with Glamdring)_

Balrog's Sword: _(explodes, for some reason or another)_

Gandalf: I said, you cannot pass.

Balrog: _(leaps onto Bridge)_

Gandalf: You cannot pass, you flaming pile of crud!

Aragorn: He can't stand alone! _(runs forward, sword in hand)_

Boromir: _(follows rebellious example set by Aragorn)_

Gandalf: _(mumbles)_ Ugh, those _idiots_! Oh well… _(raises magic walking-stick above head, then brings it down on Bridge)_ BREAK!

Bridge: _(cracks)_

Balrog: Oh, sh— _(falls) (swings whip and drags Gandalf with him)_

Gandalf: Get out of here! _(falls)_

Frodo: NOOOOO!

The 8th: That was heroic… _(sniff)_ A little drastic perhaps, but still heroic…

Lavender: No, that was _stupid_. Who's going to lead us now, eh?

Aragorn & Boromir: _(run back across Bridge, just as the rest is falling to pieces)_

Rest of Bridge: _(breaks)_

Scary Drums: boom…doom…doom…

Aragorn: Don't just stand there looking stupid! I will lead you now. Follow me! _(runs)_

Everyone Else: _(follows)_

Lavender: _(to reader)_ Hey, what else were we supposed to do?

The 8th: Who _are_ you talking to?

Lavender: Oh, nobody in particular.

…_Finally, the Company, now joined by Lavender and The 8th, make it out of the mines of Moria!_

Company: _(breaks down and cries for a good ten minutes)_

Lavender: _(in disgust)_ Look at them, The 8th…crying like babies…surely some of them must have _some_ sense to not break down like that…

The 8th: _(sobs)_

Lavender: _(looks at The 8th)_ Oh, please, not you too!

The 8th: _(sniff)_ You're heartless, Lavender.

Lavender: Why, thank you, The 8th! How thoughtful of you to compliment me like that!

The 8th: _(sigh) (shakes head)_

Aragorn: _(sniff)_ Well, we can't stay here much longer, I'm afraid. As soon as the sun sets, there will be Orcs beyond count scouring this area looking for us. C'mon Boromir, and you too Legolas; help me get the Little Folk up.

Gimli: Excuse me, but I am not _that_ little. _(rises)_ I can get up myself.

Legolas: Begging your pardon, Master Dwarf, but isn't that why you are _called_ a Dwarf? Because you are little?

Gimli: _(makes unintelligent noises of rage)_

Legolas: _(grins)_ It appears that our friend is a trifle upset…

The 8th: _(stifles laughter)_

Aragorn: That's enough, Legolas. Can't you two put aside your people's prejudices and be at peace for once?

Legolas: Sorry, Aragorn. I'm just trying to banish my grief by teasing Gimli here. _(to Gimli)_ Nothing personal, of course.

Gimli: _(mutters)_ Oh, I'll get you for that one, Elf. You can be sure of it…

Meanwhile… 

Boromir: _(walks over to Hobbits, who are still sobbing)_ There now…you mustn't cry anymore…there will be other times, but now isn't really the best time for you to sob continually.

Pippin: _(sniff)_ He's right guys…we need to get away from here, and I won't be fully satisfied until there are at least a few miles between me and that Gate.

Sam: _(gets up)_ Come on, Mr. Frodo. We need to get going, or the Orcs will get us.

Frodo: Leave me alone, Sam.

Sam: _(pouts)_

Merry: Yeah, Sam…he's dealing with a lot right now…

Sam: You're making it sound like he's a teenage girl…

Lavender & The 8th: _(in unison)_ Hey!

Legolas: _(looks around)_ What was that?

Lavender & The 8th: _(clamp hands over their mouths and back up silently)_

Aragorn: What was what?

Legolas: I dunno…it sounded an awful lot like two annoyingly obsessive teenage girls stalking us…oh well, don't mind me…this place is doing things to me.

Gimli: What's there to do to you? Your brains have already deteriorated, your eyesight is likened to that of a dead fish, and now you've just proved you're hard of hearing too.

The 8th: Oh, he is _so_ gonna… _(walks purposely over to Company…but…)_

Lavender: _(stops her0_ What are you _doing_?

Legolas: _(stands there for a moment with shocked expression on face) (smiles) (bows graciously)_ Why, _thank you_ for such a kind statement…I'm sure I'd never be able to come up with a better one for _you_.

Gimli: Don't mention it…HEY! _(brandishes axe)_

Legolas: _(aims bow, complete with arrow, at Gimli)_ Just try me.

Aragorn: ENOUGH!

_(crickets sound)_

Lavender: _(mutters under breath)_ Curséd crickets…

Pippin: Hey, where did those crickets come from? _(looks around)_

Merry: Who knows? _(shrugs)_

Sam: Who cares?

Pippin: I do, so there. _(crosses arms and sticks out tongue)_

Sam: _(mutters)_ How immature…

Aragorn: _(to Legolas & Gimli, who are standing on opposite ends of a group of boulders)_ Okay you two, I've had enough of this childishness. What, do I have to put you on time out?

Gimli: _(raises voice)_ Excuse me, but—

Aragorn: _(cuts him off)_ Oh, shut up. Listen, and listen well. You will not, either of you, trade insults anymore. Frankly, I'm sick of it, as I'm sure the rest of this happy little group are. I don't care if you find it amusing, or whatever you get out of regularly injuring each other's egos; _I don't care_. However, if I hear just one insult leave your mouths, I swear I'll punch you both. _Hard._

Legolas & Gimli: _(bow heads in meek submission)_

Merry: _(grins)_ _(mutters)_ Yes, mother…

Sam, Pippin & Boromir: _(stifle laughter)_

Aragorn: What was that you said, Meriadoc Brandybuck?

The 8th: _(whispers)_ Ooh, full name.

Merry: _(blushes)_ Nothing, nothing…

Aragorn: Yeah, it better have been "nothing"… _(looks around)_ Hey, where's Frodo?

Sam: _(panics)_ Ohmygosh…ohmygosh…I've lost him!

Frodo: _(less than 10 feet away from Sam) (sigh)_ I'm over here, Sam.

Sam: Mr. Frodo! _(runs over and hugs him)_ Thank goodness.

Lavender: _(whispers)_ Sam is acting sorta gay…

The 8th: _(elbows Lavender in the ribs)_

Lavender: Ow! _(rubs side with hand)_ _(mutters)_ He is though…

The 8th: _(rolls eyes)_

Frodo: All right, Sam, you can let go of me now.

Sam: _(coughs)_ Oh, sorry, Mr. Frodo.

Aragorn: _(cheerfully)_ All right, now that we're all accounted for, and Legolas and Gimli are actually silent for once, let's get the heck out of here. _(starts walking) (pats Gimli's head in passing)_

Gimli: _(rubs thumb against blade of axe to test how sharp it is) (glares at Aragorn)_

…_And so, the Company departs from the Mines of Moria forever…_

The 8th: _(looks at Aragorn, then at Gimli)_ Y'know, it's times like these when I admire Aragorn. He's got guts, man…that Dwarf looks positively murderous.

Lavender: _(in an extremely girly voice)_ You mean, you don't admire him _all_ the time?

The 8th: _(exasperated sigh)_

Lavender: No, but seriously, Gimli looks like that all the time.

The 8th: _(covers mouth with hand to stifle laughter)_ I guess you have a point…maybe _that's_ why he creeps me out…he looks ready to kill someone.

Lavender: _(grins)_ Nobody's perfect…

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**heh. true that.**

**please reivew! please?**


	6. Chapter 6

**oh, joy, another update. have fun.**

**thanks so much to Miko and islington...you guys make my day. :D**

**disclaimer: Lavender and The 8th and anything else you don't recognize belong to me. Savvy?**

* * *

…_An hour or so later…_

Frodo: _(gasps for breath as he is supported by Sam)_

Legolas: _(looks back and sees the two Hobbits lagging)_ _(to Aragorn)_ Aragorn, Frodo and Sam have fallen behind.

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: Frodo and Sam—you remember them—well, it appears that they have fallen behind.

Aragorn: Stop being snide, Legolas. _(looks back) (repeatedly slaps forehead with hand)_ Stupid…stupid…stupid… _(sigh)_ I'll go get them. Boromir, come with me. _(runs)_

Boromir: _(runs after Aragorn)_

Everyone Else: _(halts)_

Legolas: _(watches Aragorn & Boromir run towards the Hobbits) (shakes head)_ They call that _running_…?

Aragorn: _(calls out to the Hobbits, who are hobbling along)_ Oh, geez, I'm sorry Frodo. _(reaches them)_ Please forgive me. It's just that, with trying to get as far away as possible from the Gates, I'd forgotten how you were nearly skewered.

Sam: Hmph!

Frodo: _(breathes heavily)_ Perfectly understandable, Aragorn. Could we move at a slower pace though?

Aragorn: We're not going anywhere until we've had a look at that wound you've received.

Frodo: I'm not woun—

Aragorn: _(interrupts him)_ Don't tell me that you're not wounded; why else would you be clutching your side like that?

Frodo: I'm fine Aragorn, really, I am. _(bends over to prove his point)_ See, I'm— _(sharp intake of breath) (clutches side)_

Aragorn: Okay, you need to stop moving. Here, I'll carry you… _(picks Frodo up)_ Boromir, you carry Sam.

Boromir: _(picks Sam up)_

Sam: _(attempts to wriggle free of Boromir's grasp)_

Boromir: I advise that you stop moving, Sam. Remember, if you fall and crack your head open, it'll be entirely your fault.

Sam: _(pouts) (crosses arms)_

…_Late,r at the hastily set up camp…_

Aragorn: Okay, Frodo. Now that you're fed and rested somewhat, let's have a looksie at your battle wound.

Frodo: I'm all right, all I needed was food and rest.

Aragorn: Take off your shirt, Frodo, or I'll do it.

The 8th: _(cough)_ Gay! _(cough)_

Lavender: _(elbows The 8th in the ribs)_

Frodo: _(takes off shirt to reveal _mithril_ coat)_

Aragorn: _(whistles)_ That explains it… _(carefully removes coat from Frodo) (holds it up)_ Look, everyone! Isn't this a pretty little thing?

Gimli: _(gasp)_ _Mithril_!

Legolas: Cool.

Lavender & The 8th: _(in unison)_ Ooh…pretty…

Pippin: Did Bilbo give that to you, Frodo?

Frodo: Of course; where else would I have gotten it?

Merry: _(looks at Frodo's side)_ Nice bruise.

Frodo: I know! Isn't it? Ow… _(puts hand on bruise)_ Painful though.

Aragorn: _(puts the _mithril _coat down and washes Frodo's bruise in _athelas_ water)_ There. _(in an infuriatingly-babyish voice)_ Is da wittle Hobbit all better?

Frodo: _Why_ are you talking like that?

Aragorn: _(shrugs)_ I don't know…it's fun, I guess.

Frodo: _Oka-ay…_

Aragorn: Let's pack up. We still have a ways to go before we reach Lothlórien.

Legolas: _(sigh)_ My heart will be glad when my eyes behold the golden eaves of Lothlórien.

Gimli: I know I won't. That's the realm of the Elves, if it hasn't been deserted already.

Aragorn: _(angrily)_ What did I say about dissing Elves?

Gimli: Uhhh… nothing, actually.

Aragorn: Well, I'm saying it right now: you will _not_ diss Elves within five miles of me, do you understand?

Gimli: Okay.

Aragorn: Shall we go?

Boromir: Yes, we shall.

Aragorn & Boromir: _(go sauntering off with arms linked)_

Pippin: Do we…know them…?

Merry: No, I don't think we do.

Pippin: Just making sure.

Everyone (except Aragorn & Boromir, of course): _(follow the two very odd Men of the West)_

…_Some hours later…_

Wind: _(blows leaves of some pretty golden-colored trees)_

Legolas: Look! Lothlórien!

Aragorn: Good, we're here. We should go into the forest, since it's dark and there are bound to be Orcs around, just waiting to find us.

Everyone: _(goes into wood except…)_

Lavender: We can't go in there…Galadriel will sense our presence, and we don't want that to happen…plus, the Elves might decide to go head-hunting.

The 8th: Elves don't go _head-hunting_!

Lavender: Of course they do. _(looks at the Company, who are now fading rapidly into the forest)_ We're gonna have to go around the forest and catch up with them later.

The 8th: Do we have to? I _really_ wanna see Lothlórien… _(looks towards forest with yearning)_

Lavender: NO! I swear…you're almost as bad as Sam and his _really_ wanting to see Elves…

The 8th: No, actually, I'm much worse. You see, Sam was just fascinated; I, however, am totally and completely _obsessed_.

Lavender: _(sigh)_ Whatever. Let's get going, if we're ever gonna catch up with them again.

The 8th: But—but, what if the Orcs get us?

Lavender: Oh, please. You're not scared of some measly _Orcs_, are you?

The 8th: Yeah.

Lavender: I am too, actually. Let's go.

Together: _(start their trek around the golden forest that is Lothlórien)_

…_Two weeks later…_

The 8th: What a stroke of luck! We haven't met any Orcs!

Lavender: Yet.

The 8th: Oh, don't be such a pessimist. We'll be fine.

Lavender: You know, it's actually very peaceful and beautiful, this wood, I mean.

The 8th: Isn't it? _(takes a deep breath)_ I love it here…

…_Suddenly…_

Underbrush: _(rustles)_

Lavender: _(gasp)_ What was that?

Voice: _Gollum…gollum…_ _(mutters)_ We hates it, precious! We hates it! Where is it, the nasty Hobbitses…and their little Elvish pals…when we gets it back, precious, _we_ will rule, and eat all the fishes we wants!

Gollum: _(comes out from the underbrush)_

Lavender & The 8th: _(stare in horror)_

Gollum: _(hiss)_ What is it, precious? Is it tasty, like fishies?

Lavender: N-no, actually, we're not tasty, unless you like teenage girls to eat.

Gollum: Girlses? What are girlses?

The 8th: Us. Uhhh…would you like to travel with us?

Lavender: _(elbows The 8th in the ribs harder than usual)_ _The 8th_! Are you _crazy_?

The 8th: But, look at him, Lavender…he's so helpless…

Lavender: _(whispers)_ But what about the _Company_?

The 8th: What about them? He's gonna catch up with them anyway…plus, he could lead us to them.

Lavender: Well…I guess I never thought about it that way…

The 8th: Of course you didn't; that's why I had to tell you. _(pats Lavender on the head)_

Lavender: _(rolls eyes)_ Okay then, Gollum. You can travel with us, as long as you don't try and steal anything from us or attack us. Promise?

Gollum: _(hiss)_ And why would we want to travel with two annoying girlses?

Lavender: _(sigh)_ Our reputation precedes us…

The 8th: _(cryptically)_ We can help you find what you seek.

Gollum: _Really_? _(with a sly expression on face)_ Come then, precious…we must continues… outside of forest, yes?

Lavender: Yes; we don't want to go inside.

Gollum: Excellent, precious, excellent. Follow me.

…_A couple of days later…_

Elf #28: _(sigh)_ What's the point of looking for Orcs when there are obviously no more to that hunting party we killed a few nights back?

Elf #147: We don't want to anger the Lady. Besides, I like going to the outskirts of the Wood…I feel all adventuresome, and it gives me something to do.

Elf #85: Weirdo.

Elf #56: _(looks around) (spots something in the shadows)_ Quiet…what's that…over there, in the shadows?

Lavender: _(hides in the shadows)_ Crap…they've spotted us. We're done for.

Gollum: Hush, girlses. Let _us_ investigate what the Elfses are up to. _(slinks off)_

Elf #85: _(nocks arrow)_ _(whispers)_ Have we figured out what it is yet?

Elf #56: No, not yet.

Elf #85: _(draws arrow)_ Let's kill it, _then_ find out what it is.

Elf #147: No! Don't shoot yet. Be patient.

Elf #85: _(mumbles)_ Patience, coming from Mr. Adventuresome over here…

Gollum: _(comes out from the shadows)(hiss)_

Elf #28: What is _that_?

Elf #56: Doesn't look like an Orc…

Lavender: _What_ is taking him so long? _(gets up and follows after Gollum)_

The 8th: _Lavender_! What are you _doing_? _(sigh_) Well, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." _(follows Lavender & Gollum)_

Elf #28: Ack! Here come some more!

Elf #147: Dude, let's get out of here…

Elves: _(run frantically away)_

Lavender: Woot! Look at them run! We survived our encounter with the head-hunting Elves!

The 8th: Elves do _not_ go head-hunting.

Lavender: Whatever.

Gollum: We must hurry, precious. The Elfses will come back, yes, they will. We must be far, far away, so they will not catch us, precious. _Gollum…gollum…_

Lavender: Okay then, let's go.

…Approximately one week, six days, twenty-one hours, fifty-four minutes, and nineteen seconds later…

Gollum: _(groans)_ Oh, precious, we are _so_ hungry…_gollum…gollum…_

Lavender: I know what you mean…The 8th, has our _lembas_ multiplied to double its size yet?

The 8th: Not when I last checked, which was three seconds ago.

Lavender: _(sigh)_ Great…we're gonna starve to death.

Gollum: _(mutters)_ We wonders if we _will_ starve, precious…we wonders…is it tasty? Which of the girlses would be delicious…like fishes? _(licks lips)_

Lavender: What did you say, Gollum?

Gollum: Nothing, precious, nothing… _(mutters)_ Good-for-nothing-girlses…yes…it _would_ be better to eat them…but which one, precious? Which one?

Lavender: _(looks around)_ This looks like a good spot to camp for the night… _(sets pack down)_ Let's get some sleep, The 8th.

The 8th: Right-o!

Lavender & The 8th: _(roll out blankets and fall asleep)_

Gollum: _(slinks towards the sleeping pair)_ Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe…catch a girlses by the toe…if it hollers, squeeze its throat…Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. _(licks lips)_ Yes, precious, this girlses will do… _(pounces on Lavender)_

Lavender: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GET OFF OF ME, YOU SLINKING FIEND!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! _(tries desperately to get Gollum off of her)_

The 8th: _(sits bolt upright) (gasp)_ GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU—YOU… _(launches herself at Gollum)_ HIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Gollum: _(flies a grand total of twelve feet into the air, then falls to the ground with a loud THUD)_ But—but, we was hungry, precious, we was hungry!

Lavender: _(shakes with rage)_ That doesn't mean you go and eat me instead, you—you—GOLLUM!

The 8th: Get out of here—NOW!

Gollum: _(mutters)_ Stupid girlses…you will pay for this…yes…you _will_ pay… _(slinks off)_

Lavender: _(sigh)_ I don't think I'm gonna get anymore sleep tonight…not after _that_ little encounter…

The 8th: You're right… _(looks at wrist-watch)_ It's almost four in the morning…we start now, we could reach the Company by tomorrow…they should leave today…if my estimation is right.

Lavender: You still have your _watch_???!!!

The 8th: Of course…what, did you think I lost it or something?

Lavender: _(stares in disbelief)_

The 8th: C'mon…let's get going.

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**please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! yay for lack-of-sleep-induced-hyperness!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**many thanks to my reviewers and readers. love you, guys.**

**disclaimer: Lavender and The 8th belong to me...everything else, not so much**

* * *

…_Two days later, along the banks of the Anduin…_

Lavender: Are you absolutely _sure_ you saw them back there?

The 8th: How hard is it to mistake the appearance of three Elvish boats with two Men, four Hobbits, an Elf, and a Dwarf?

Lavender: Very hard, I guess.

The 8th: I thought you would see it my way…

Lavender: Let's make camp, then we can go looking for something to eat.

The 8th: Like _what_? We have some crumbs of _lembas_ left, and there's a river twenty feet away from us…there's bound to be some fish…

Lavender: I dunno…I guess I just wanna go exploring, is all.

The 8th: Why didn't you just _say _so? Let's go!

…_A couple of hours later…_

Gollum: Ooh! What have we here, precious? Bagses that look like the girlses'! Have we found them, precious? _(rummages through packs)_ Yes!!! _Now_ we can pay the girlses back for their _kind_ treatment of us, precious…all we was was hungry, precious, we was only hungry. Now the _girlses_ will go hungry, instead of us. _Gollum…gollum…_ _(looks for any and all food in the packs)_ _NOOOO_!!! They haves no food! What can we do instead, precious, what can we do instead?

…_At that moment…_

The 8th: _What_ were you thinking when you started talking to that wolf? It could have eaten you alive, if it was hungry enough.

Lavender: That wasn't an ordinary wolf, or I'm a statue. _That_ was a human…I'm sure of it.

The 8th: Magic?

Lavender: _(shrugs)_ This _is_ Middle Earth, after all. _(looks around, and spots an unwanted someone by the camp)_ HEY!!!

The 8th: What are _you_ doing here???

Together: _(walk towards Gollum, rolling up sleeves)_

Gollum: _(backs up warily)_ Nice girlses…pretty girlses…you wouldn't hurt _us_, would you…? Nice girlses…why don't you let us leave, then you will _never_ see us again?

Lavender: _(raises an eyebrow)_ Nice try, Gollum, but you're not getting away that easy. I thought we told you to leave us alone?

Gollum: Yes, yes, the girlses did tell us, but we _wanted_ to come back…to _repay_ the girlses for their treatment to us. _(attempts an innocent smile, but fails considerably)_

Lavender: _(looks at The 8th)_ What do you think, The 8th?

The 8th: Not a chance. _(looks at Gollum)_ Sorry Gollum, but, you see, you've betrayed our trust already…and since you're already so familiar with the concept of revenge, I'm sure you'll forgive us of our disreputable actions.

Lavender: Nicely put.

The 8th: Of course; did you expect otherwise?

Lavender: Never mind… _(looks at Gollum)_ Well, Gollum…any last words?

Gollum: _(sneers)_ What can you two girlses do to _us_?

The 8th: Plenty. Shall we, Lavender?

Lavender: Yes, we shall.

Together: _(charge) (push Gollum into river so fast, even the _river_ is surprised)_

Gollum: _(sputters) (grabs hold of a passing log in the water) (shakes fist at Lavender & The 8th)_ You will pay, girlses!!! YOU WILL PAY!!! _(floats downstream)_

Lavender: Too bad he can swim…

The 8th: _Lavender_! You don't _seriously_ want him dead, do you?

Lavender: No, I guess you're right… _(looks out at river)_ Hey…what's that…? _(gasp)_ _(whispers)_ Get down! Quick!

The 8th: _(lowers herself to the ground)_ Why?

Lavender: _(points)_

The 8th: _(gasp)_ _The Company_!

Together: _(watch as Company floats on a ways downstream, then comes to a stop)_

Sun: _(sets)_

Lavender: Oh, wow…I didn't even realize how late it is…

The 8th: I know… Hey, Lavender, I've been thinking…we should really introduce ourselves to the Company soon, instead of continuing to stalk them like this.

Lavender: Hmmm…I think you're right, The 8th. How about we do it, say…tonight?

The 8th: Sounds okay to me.

Together: _(watch as Company sets up camp along the banks of the river)_

…_About an hour later…_

The 8th: _(whispers)_ Lavender, do you think we should go over there now?

Lavender: _(whispers)_ Sure, let's get it over with.

Together: _(move stealthily towards Company)_

The 8th: _(whispers)_ We should just walk up to them all casual-like…you know, so they don't kill us if they think we're Orcs sneaking around or something.

Lavender: _(whispers)_ Good idea. _(takes a deep breath)_ You know, it's really funny, but I'm feeling kinda nervous.

The 8th: _(whispers)_ Me too.

Together: _(stand up) (shake hands)_ _(in unison)_ Good luck.

…_And the world holds its breath as Lavender & The 8th make the first steps in acquainting themselves with the Company…_

Lavender & The 8th: _(walk into the camp)_ _(in unison)_ Hello.

Company: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lavender & The 8th: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Company: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lavender & The 8th: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Company: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…_Five minutes later…_

Lavender & The 8th: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Wait…why are we screaming?

The 8th: And how _long_ have we been screaming? _(stares intently at watch)_

Merry: Uhhh…I don't mean to be rude, or anything, but who are you, and what do you want?

Lavender: Oh, how silly of us. I'm Lavender…

The 8th: And I'm The 8th.

Gimli: _(snorts in laughter)_ _The 8th_? What kind of idiotic name is _that_???

The 8th: You watch it, buster…your name isn't the prettiest name in the world either, _Gimli_.

Aragorn: You know our _names_???

Lavender: Yeah.

Legolas: _(suddenly rouses after being deep in thought)_ I _KNEW_ IT!!!!

Everyone Else: _(turns to look at Legolas)_ Knew what?

Legolas: There _were_ two teenage girls stalking us earlier!!!! Ha! Beat _that_, Gimli. I didn't prove I was hard of hearing; in fact it's just the opposite. My ears are so good, I even managed to pick up their personality traits, along with what they were saying!!!

Lavender: Hey!

The 8th: We're not _that_ "annoyingly obsessive"…

Legolas: Oh…sorry about that.

Pippin: I still don't get why or even _how_ you're here. And why are you wearing pants? Aren't you girls?

Lavender & The 8th: _(look down at their jeans)_

The 8th: Girls wear pants where we come from.

Boromir: And where _do_ you come from?

Lavender: I think it's what would be referred to as an "alternate universe"…something like that.

Frodo: How did you get here?

Lavender & The 8th: _(look at each other) (in unison)_ How _did_ we get here?

Sam: You mean you don't _know_?

Lavender: Nope.

Aragorn: Hmmm…well, ladies, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to have a little conference about what to do with you…uhhh, well, I mean…you might be an endangerment to the Quest and…

The 8th: Save your breath, Aragorn. We know what you mean, and no offense taken.

Aragorn: Oh…okay then. _(walks over to the edge of the camp)_

Company: _(follows Aragorn)_

Lavender: _(smirks)_ So, what do you think they're gonna do? Keep us, or turn us away?

The 8th: We'll just have to wait and see.

Jeopardy_ music plays in background)_

Lavender: _(groans)_ You've got to be joking me…first crickets, now _this_?

The 8th: _(dances to music)_ Hey, this is actually quite entertaining!

Lavender: _(slaps palm to forehead)_ I am surrounded by _idiots_…

…_Three minutes later…_

Aragorn: Okay, you two are coming with us.

Lavender & The 8th: _(jump up and down)_ _(clap hands)_ YAY!

Legolas: _(to Aragorn)_ It isn't too late to change your mind, you know…

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ I know…but we don't really have that much of a choice. I mean, what if the Enemy gets a hold of them? At least if they're with us, we'll be able to keep an eye on them.

Legolas: _(shrugs)_ Your hair…

Aragorn: _What_?

Legolas: Do you have any _idea_ how fast hair grays when teenage girls are involved? And we are watching _two_ of them…

Aragorn: Well…I'm getting pretty old anyways…

Lavender: _(yawns)_ I'm getting kinda tired, Aragorn. Where should me and The 8th set up our blankets?

Aragorn: Uhhh…over there is good. _(points to an uninhabited space of the campsite)_

Lavender: Okay, thanks. _(walks over to place indicated and lays out blankets)_

…_Meanwhile…_

Pippin: Are you sure Aragorn didn't _really_ lose his mind back in Moria? Because it's going to be absolutely _insane_ traveling with those two.

Merry: Well, what would you rather have? Them traveling with us, or them stalking us?

Pippin: I prefer the stalking, actually…at least they were quieter…

Merry: _(laughs)_ I guess you're right. But they _might_ not be so bad…

Pippin: _(snorts)_ Fat chance…

Merry: _(thoughtful)_ You know, I've never really understood how that expression came about.

Pippin: Does it matter, as long as it makes sense?

Merry: That's just it! It doesn't really make any sense whatsoever!

Pippin: _(thinks)_ You're right, Merry…it _doesn't_ make sense…

Frodo: _(approaches)_ What are you talking about?

Merry: We're contemplating the origins of the expression "fat chance".

Frodo: _(sigh)_ Sometimes I just don't understand you two…

Pippin: What's there to understand? _I_ thought it was quite clear.

Frodo: _(shakes head)_ Never mind… _(walks away)_

Merry: _(sigh)_ Sometimes I just don't understand him…


	8. Chapter 8

**...be thankful for the randomness! It's Thanksgiving, after all...**

**speaking of thanks...super-warm regards go out to all readers and reviewers! you make all this stupidity worthwhile!**

**disclaimer: i own nothing except Lavender and The 8th.**

* * *

…_In the morning…_

Aragorn: Let's load the boats and get out of here.

Everyone: _(makes their way down to the banks of the river)_

Boromir: I just thought of something!

Gimli: _(mutters to Legolas)_ Wow…Boromir's actually thinking this morning.

Legolas: _(grins)_

Boromir: How are we going to travel using the boats without them sinking when we add the girls to the weight?

Lavender: _(in a mock-hurt tone of voice)_ It's not like I'm _fat_ or anything…

The 8th: _(jokingly)_ What are you talking about, Lavender? Of _course_ you are!

Legolas: _(chuckles)_ I _like_ this one!

The 8th: _(blushes)_

Lavender: _(bursts out laughing)_

Everyone Else: What's so funny?

Lavender: _(gasps for breath)_ Nothing…nothing… _(looks at The 8th) (giggles)_

The 8th: _(glares at Lavender)_

Lavender: _(cracks up)_

Company: _(looks at each other)_

Gimli: Are you absolutely _sure_ about this, Aragorn?

Aragorn: What _is_ it with you people? I've already said "yes" like, a billion times!

Pippin: Just making sure, is all.

Aragorn: Well, now that we're all _sure_, let's figure out how to keep the boats floating.

…_Six minutes later…_

Aragorn: Okay, Lavender, you're in Legolas' boat, and The 8th, you're in Boromir's. Any questions?

Everyone Else: _(is silent for once)_

Aragorn: Okay then…let's go.

…_A couple of days later…_

Sam: Mr. Frodo, earlier in the boat, I had a weird dream…only, I'm not so sure that it's a dream anymore.

Frodo: What was it, Sam?

Sam: Well, I dreamt that I saw a log in the water, but it had eyes.

Frodo: That's one weird dream, Sam.

Sam: I know…

Frodo: Unfortunately, I can't say it's a dream…I think what you saw was Gollum following us.

Sam: _(gasp)_ Gollum, that nasty creature who Mr. Bilbo played those riddles with?

Frodo: _(nods)_ Yup, that's him.

Sam: _(shudders)_

Lavender: _(walks up to the pair of them)_ Whatcha talking about, guys?

Frodo: Gollum. We think he's following us.

Lavender: _(usual sunny expression turns dark)_ Oh…him…

Sam: What, do you have something against him too?

Lavender: Well, considering that he tried to eat me, yes, I believe I do.

Frodo & Sam: _(stare at Lavender with an expression of shock and awe)_

Lavender: Yeah…The 8th and I had a little…experience…with him while we were traveling on the outskirts of Lothlórien…no hard feelings between us anymore though, because we pushed him in the river, The 8th and I did…it was actually quite fun.

Frodo & Sam: _(stare at Lavender with an expression of awe and fear)_

Lavender: _(laughs)_ You two are so funny, did you know that? Well, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. _(leaves)_

Frodo & Sam: _(mumble)_ Goodnight.

Frodo: _(watches as Lavender goes over to the opposite edge of the camp)_ She is so random, it scares me…actually both of them do. What do you think, Sam?

Sam: _(thinks)_ Well…they are unique ones, those two. I wonder how they got here…surely they don't live here, because I don't think all of Middle Earth has ever been the home of anyone like them.

Frodo: _(smiles)_ I'd like to lay a _very_ large wager on that proposition…well, Sam…if you'd like to take the watch until midnight, then wake me up then, I'd be very grateful.

Sam: Of course, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: _(falls asleep)_

…_About five hours later…_

Sam: _(shakes Frodo) (whispers)_ Mr. Frodo…Mr. Frodo…

Frodo: _(groans in sleep)_ Please, mom…five more minutes…

Sam: _(grins) (shakes Frodo harder) (whispers)_ Mr. Frodo, you asked me to wake you up, so I am! Wake up, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: _(sits up wearily) (yawns)_ Thank you for waking me up, Sa-a—_(huge yawn)—_am…

Sam: I'm sorry to wake you up, but you asked me too…nothing's happened all night.

Frodo: Well, that's good at least. Have a pleasant sleep, Sam.

Sam: Goodnight, Mr. Frodo. _(falls asleep)_

…_Couple of hours later…_

Frodo: _(head nods as he tries to resist sleep) (resistance is futile…or so someone thought…)_

Gollum: _(creeps up the bank and heads towards Frodo)_

Frodo: _(wakes up suddenly) (draws Sting)_

Sting: _(glows a faint blue)_

Gollum: _(hurries back to the river and gets on his log with a splash) (paddles away)_

Aragorn: _(wakes up) (looks at Frodo)_ What's wrong? Why have you drawn your sword?

Frodo: Gollum. He's here.

Aragorn: Ah, you've finally noticed him. He's been following after us since we entered Moria.

Frodo: Oh…that explains that noise I heard constantly…but wait…weren't Lavender and The 8th following us through Moria too?

Aragorn: Now that you mention it… _(thinks)_ They _were_, weren't they? Oh well…I guess you could say we were being stalked by two teenage girls and Gollum through Moria then.

Frodo: But, isn't that exactly…oh, never mind…my head hurts.

Aragorn: What, are you Harry Potter?

Frodo: Who's that?

Aragorn: Actually, I'm not sure…I just had a sudden impulse to say that.

Frodo: _(eyebrows raise)_ _Ok-ay_…

Aragorn: Anyways…you go get some sleep, and I'll keep watch for the rest of the night. Maybe I'll try to catch that little wretch…he seems much more intent on us than he was in Moria, and he might be leading an enemy after us.

Frodo: _(eyes widen)_ OH!

Aragorn: What sudden revelation hath bestowed itself upon the Halfling, I wonder?

Frodo: _(sigh)_ I wish you wouldn't talk like that…anyway…Lavender said that there was some spite between them and Gollum while we were in Lothlórien.

Aragorn: Huh?

Frodo: I guess Gollum tried to eat Lavender…don't ask…so they caught up with him and pushed him into the river…I _think_ he's trying to get back at the girls for pushing him in the river.

Aragorn: _(swears)_

Frodo: _Aragorn_! "Not in front of the kids!"

Aragorn: _(grins)_ You just think you are _so_ clever, don't you?

Frodo: Of course…you doubted my cleverness?

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ Never mind…what I'm getting at is, we need to move twice as fast if we're gonna ever lose Gollum…now he's after you _and_ the girls…oh well, I guess that's my problem, since I'm leading this little group…anyway, you go to sleep, Frodo, and I'll keep watch.

Frodo: Thanks, Aragorn. _(falls asleep)_

Aragorn: No problem.

…_In the morning…_

Aragorn: _(hums to himself)_

Everyone Else: _(wakes up)_

Aragorn: You all can go back to sleep, if you'd like. I've decided that we should travel by night and rest by day…we're too exposed when we travel during the day.

Sam: Thank the Heavens! _(falls asleep again)_

Legolas: I'll take the watch now if you'd like, Aragorn. _(peers into Aragorn's eyes)_ It looks like you need some sleep.

Aragorn: _(shakes head)_ No, I don't need sl—_(huge yawn)_—eep…

Legolas: Go and get some sleep right now, before I shoot you.

Aragorn: _(smirks)_ Empty threat!

Legolas: Yeah, I know, but still…it was worth a shot…ha, no pun intended.

Aragorn: What a loser…well, I shall heed thy request, noble companion of mine. _(bows)_

Legolas: _(rolls eyes)_


	9. Chapter 9

**a longer chapter this time... once again, thanks to everyone for reviewing! love you, guys!**

**disclaimer: Lavender & The 8th are mine. Lavender's attitude, however, most definately belongs to Lavender. oh, yes...the Objections belong to me, too (you'll see soon)...along with anything else that is so totally random that it can't possibly belong anywhere else...**

* * *

…_Eight days later…_

Aragorn: _(paddles boat)_ We should go slow tonight, guys. I'm not sure how far we are from the Rapids, and I don't want to run into them unexpectedly during the night.

Lavender: _(mutters)_ Neither do I…

Legolas: _(paddles)_ It's okay…Aragorn will keep us safe.

Gimli: Aren't you being just a _bit_ over-trusting? He _is_ just a Man, after all.

Lavender: HEY!!!!

Legolas: It seems that you've touched a nerve there, friend Gimli.

Lavender: _(mutters)_ "Just a Man"…just a man, indeed! Hmph! _(crosses arms as she peers out into the darkness and looks at Aragorn) (barely audible sigh)_

Legolas: _(grins) (whispers)_ Awww…how cute!

Gimli: _(whispers)_ _What_ was _that_?

Legolas: _(whispers to Gimli)_ You'll see… _(raises voice so that Lavender can hear)_ He's taken, you know.

Lavender: _(stares wide-eyed at Legolas) (whispers)_ Wait, what…? How did you…what are you…uhh…wait…_what_?

Legolas: _(grins wickedly)_ Ooh…Gimli, I sense an ample opportunity for _blackmail_!

Gimli: _(chuckles semi-demonically)_ You know what, Legolas? I do too.

Lavender: _(gasp)_ You _wouldn't_! Would…you…?

Legolas: Oh, you never know…the opportunity _may_ present itself at _some_ time during this journey…

Lavender: _(stares in open-mouthed shock)_ But—but…you _ca-an't_!

Legolas: _(smiles)_ Only joking, Lavender.

Gimli: You _were_? And here I thought you were _serious_! Man…I was liking the idea of a personal servant, and now you have to go and dash my hopes.

Lavender: That was _not_ funny, guys…not funny _at all_. _(whispers)_ You seriously won't tell, will you?

Gimli: Of course not.

Legolas: _(crosses fingers inconspicuously)_ Not a peep.

…_Oh, I dunno… (looks at watch) … about thirty minutes later… _

Water: _(rushes wildly over big, scary-lookin' rocks)_

Big, Scary-Lookin' Rocks: _(loom in not-so-distant-distance)_

Boromir: Are you mad, Aragorn? We _can't_ pass the Rapids of Sarn Gebir at night…heck, we can't even do it by day!

Aragorn: TURN AROUND!!! _(paddles frantically away from Rapids)_

Everyone: _(follows frantic example of Aragorn for a few minutes as the boats turn slowly—but surely—around)_

Awesome Elvish Boats: _(drift closer and closer to eastern bank of Anduin)_

…_Suddenly…_

Arrows: _(come flying out of nowhere; more specifically, from somewhere on the eastern shore) _

Legolas: _(looks at arrow-shaft stuck in the side of his boat)_ _Yrch_!!!!!!!!

Lavender: What does that _mean_????

Aragorn: ORCS!!!!!!!!!

Lavender & The 8th: _(duck for cover—not much cover to be offered by boats in the middle of a river, however)_

Company: _(paddles even _more_ frantically away from both Rapids and eastern shore) (eventually makes it)_

Legolas: _(jumps out of boat and onto bank) (strings bow, nocks arrow, and prepares to shoot something on the eastern shore) (mutters)_ Accursed Orcs…

…_Suddenly…_

Big Scary Something: _(flies overhead)_

Orcs: _(cheer)_

Frodo: _(sharp intake of breath) (clutches left shoulder)_

Sam: What's wrong, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: _(breaths heavily)_ My wound from that Morgul-knife…it's growing cold again…

Legolas: _(aims at the big scary something) (shoots)_

Awesome Elvish Arrow: _(finds its mark)_

Big Scary Something: _(falls) (lands on eastern shore)_

Orcs: _(wail cries of dismay)_

_(silence on both shores)_

Aragorn: Let's head back upstream for a bit. _(leads boats upstream) (stumbles across a shallow bay)_ Let's wait the night out here. Any objections?

Objection #1: _(in the form of a glowing sphere hovering about three feet off the ground) (raises hand, even though it's physically impossible)_ Here!

Objection #2: _(same form mentioned above)_ Present!

Aragorn: _(stares wide-eyed at the pair of objections)_ I am going to deny I just saw that…

Objections: _(in unison)_ What's wrong?

Legolas: Uhhh, well…I don't mean to be rude, but _you_ are the ones that are wrong here.

Boromir: _(in a strangled whisper)_ We are conversing with _verbal oppositions_!

Objections: _(in unison)_ We heard that, you know.

Boromir: _(looks skyward)_ Great _Gondor_! I'm officially insane!!!!!

Objections: _pout—I _know_ that's impossible…just bear with me, all right?) (in unison)_ Fine! We see how it is… _(disappear)_

Legolas: _Elbereth Gilthoniel_! That was _the_ most random occurrence of my _entire_ life! And believe me…I've lived for a _long_ time…

Lavender: Welcome to Lavender-land…where random occurrences are experienced daily!

The 8th: _(cracks up)_

Aragorn: _(looks around his surroundings in semi-paranoia) (cough)_ Well then…let's just spend the night here…objection, or no.

Pippin: Sounds good to me! _(falls asleep in boat instantly)_

Merry: _(looks around)_ Did anyone else think that a bit odd?

The 8th: What was odd, Merry? That whole thing with the objections?

Merry: No, not that…I mean, Pippin falling asleep so quickly. I didn't think that was humanly possible.

The 8th: Well, he _isn't_ a human…you aren't a human either, for that matter.

Merry: Oh yeah! _(falls asleep instantly as well)_

The 8th & Boromir: _(sigh) (roll eyes) (in unison)_ _Hobbits_!

Sam: Are you trying to say something?

The 8th: What if I am?

Sam: _(scowls)_

Aragorn: _(gingerly)_ Might I remind you that we are in _boats_ on _water_ before an all-out brawl begins? C'mon guys…I thought we were past all the stupid insults.

Legolas: Of course we aren't, Aragorn! They've always been lurking right under the fake perception of ourselves that we all feed you to help you be more secure with yourself.

Aragorn: Oh, that just makes me feel _so_ much better…

Legolas: I try my best.

Lavender: _(cracks up)_ This is _hilarious_!

Aragorn: Oh, yeah…and I'm sure the Orcs across the water are laughing it up right now too…will you all just _shut up_?

The 8th: What's the magic word?

Aragorn: Uhh…

Boromir: _(cough)_ Please! _(cough)_

Aragorn: Will you all _please_ just shut up?

The 8th: Of _course_ Aragorn! Why didn't you just ask in the first place?

Aragorn: _(scowls)_

…_About an hour later…_

Gimli: Oh, I never mentioned it earlier, but that was a _very_ nice shot, my friend. The one that killed the flying thing, I mean.

Legolas: Why, thank you, Gimli!

Lavender: _(gasp)_ Pleasantries? Between an _Elf_ and a _Dwarf_???

Gimli: Shocking, isn't it?

Lavender: _(nods fervently)_ Yes, sir!

…_In the morning…_

Fog: _(lies low along river and surroundings)_

Aragorn: Let's get started, then.

Sam: I absolutely _hate_ the fog. But, it seems I can try to like at least this one…it totally conceals us from sight on the eastern shore!

Aragorn: Yes, but it also conceals the enemy from _us_, not to mention the rapids _and_ the path to the Emyn Muil. We will need our wits about us today, gentlemen.

Lavender: _(clears throat rather noisily)_

Aragorn: Oh…and ladies.

Boromir: Why don't we just stop following the river and go southwest til we get to the Entwash, then cross into Gondor and head to Minas Tirith?

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ Because we haven't decided if we are _going_ to Minas Tirith, Boromir. I think we should go to Amon Hen, and then we can decide where we're headed from there.

Boromir: But—

Aragorn: No "buts", Boromir. Let's go to Amon Hen.

…_About mid-afternoon on the following day…_

Frodo: _(sees two huge pillars of rock rising from somewhere ahead of them along the river)_

Aragorn: _(sees the same thing)_ Behold, the Argonath! We will be passing them soon, and the current is swift. Keep to the middle of the stream if you don't want your boat to go crashing into them headlong.

Lavender: That could get a little messy…

Gimli: You think?

Lavender: "I think, therefore I am."

Gimli: _(puzzled expression)_

Legolas: _(laughs)_ Descartes, right?

Lavender: Since when are _Elves_ well-versed in French philosophy?

Legolas: We _do_ get bored sometimes, you know.

Lavender: Well, _yeah_…but why philosophy? There are plenty of other genres…like fantasy, for instance, and…

Legolas: _(clears throat) (points to self)_

Lavender: Oh……_right_. I knew that…believe me, I did.

Legolas: Of _course_ you did…I was only reminding you.

Lavender: _(scowls)_

Legolas: You are a _very_ interesting little girl, did you know that?

Lavender: _(scowls even more)_

Legolas: _(chuckles)_

…_Seven minutes later…_

River: _(carries company though the Gates of the Argonath)_

Frodo: _(looks up and around him at the steep ravine and swirling water)_ Cool.

Sam: _(scrunches down into the smallest position possible) (sings)_ I wanna go hooooooooooooooome!

Merry & Pippin: _(do same)_

Aragorn: Will you all just shut up??? _(puts hand to forehead)_ The echoes are giving me a migraine…plus, you sound like a pack of dogs when you sing like that.

Legolas: Aye. We mustn't give Aragorn a headache; who will yell at us if he's incapacitated?

Lavender & Aragorn: _(glare at Legolas—for different reasons, of course)_

Legolas: _(looks from Aragorn to Lavender, then back to Aragorn) (cracks up)_

Lavender: _(coldly)_ I see nothing funny, Elf.

Legolas: Oh, but I do, little one of the race of _Man_.

Lavender: _(opens mouth to speak, then snaps it shut again) (turns beet red) (crosses arms and looks glumly at feet)_

Legolas: _(sniggers)_

Gimli: _(still puzzled expression)_ I _still_ don't get what's going on here.

Lavender: _(frantically)_ There _is_ nothing going on! _Legolas_ here was just trying to be, umm…_funny_ by dissing Aragorn.

Gimli: _(confused)_ But…doesn't he diss Aragorn all the time? Why make a big deal about it

now?

Legolas: It's nothing friend Gimli, nothing except the _mysterious_ mumbo-jumbo of the female mind.

Gimli: _(cheerfully)_ Oh, well, if _that's_ the only thing that's going on here…

Legolas: I misunderstand you…I've always thought that females don't _have_ minds, therefore, there isn't anything capable of going on.

Both: _(howl with laughter)_

Lavender: _(sits and stews with rage) (boils over)_ GRRRRRRR!

Both: _(try to breathe through laughter, which has increased to ten-times the amount)_

Boromir: _(looks at the currently incapacitated Elf and Dwarf, whose riotous outburst is shaking the boat)_ Hey, Aragorn, isn't that a hazard? _(jerks thumb over shoulder at the violently-wobbling vessel) _

Aragorn: _(looks at the tipsy boat with the equally tipsy Elf and Dwarf, who are laughing so hard, it's _very_ difficult to proclaim them either sober or sane) (shakes head)_ Yeah, but we're almost to Amon Hen, so we can pull over there and give these two a breather. _(shouts over to Lavender)_ Can't you calm those two down?????

Lavender: _(darkly)_ Well, as they're so proud of their exquisite insults, I'd hate to spoil the fun for them.

Aragorn: Can't you at least _try_ to calm them down???

Lavender: I already have. I'm not _that_ stupid.

Legolas: _(in between feeble gasps of air)_ Yes you are. _(doubles over with renewed laughter)_

Lavender: _(sigh) (rolls eyes)_

The 8th: _(stifles laughter)_

Lavender: _(directs a withering glance over to The 8th)_ _Why_ are you laughing?

The 8th: 'Cause it's funny how "well" they treat you. _(giggles)_

Lavender: _(glares at anyone and everyone because she is so pissed)_

Boromir: _(to Lavender)_ You know, if you keep glaring, your face might get stuck like that.

Lavender: Yeah, and is that what happened to _yours_?

Aragorn: _(sniggers)_

Boromir: _(pouts)_

Pippin: _(to Merry)_ I just _love_ how much we respect each other, don't you, Merry?

Merry: Oh yeah…

Aragorn: Hey, check it out guys! Amon Hen!

Lavender: Can we land these boats already? I can't take another minute with these two hyenas.

Aragorn: _(lands boat)_ There you go, Lavender.

Lavender: _(lands boat a few feet from Aragorn's) (jumps out) (runs away into woods) (yells)_ FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!

Everyone Else: _(stares)_

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ I'll go get her. _(jogs off)_

Boromir: _(in an anxious voice)_ So, Frodo…have you decided which way we're going yet?

Frodo: Uhh… _(thinks)_ No, Boromir, I haven't.

Boromir: _(turns his back on Frodo) (through clenched teeth)_ Take your time…

Sam: _(raises eyebrows in alarm)_

…_At that moment…_

Aragorn: _(returns with a slight limp)_

Lavender: _(walks behind Aragorn, silently fuming)_

Gimli: _(cough)_ Sorry for being so blunt, but what the heck happened?

Aragorn: _(blushes)_ Nothing important…

Lavender: _(mumbles inaudibly to herself)_

Everyone Else: _(in unison)_ _Oka-ay…_

…_Five minutes later…_

Frodo: Aragorn, give me an hour to think, and then I'll announce my decision.

Aragorn: _(who is looking sheepishly over at Lavender sitting on a large log with her back to the Company) (looks over to Frodo)_ What?

Frodo: _(sigh)_ Give me an hour, then I'll tell you my decision.

Aragorn: Oh, okay.

Frodo: _(walks off)_

The 8th: _(walks over to Lavender)_ I want to go walk around for a bit. Wanna come with me?

Lavender: Okay. _(walks over to boat to retrieve her and The 8th's packs) (sets off with The 8th)_

Aragorn: Be careful, girls!

Lavender: _(yells without looking back)_ OH, SHUT UP!

Aragorn: _(flinches)_

Legolas: Now I _really_ want to know what happened.

Aragorn: Too bad.

* * *

**never fear, we'll find out what happened/happens next chapter! until then,**

**dark-hearted rose.**


	10. Chapter 10

**much thanks to all readers and reviewers! i can't get enough of you guys.**

**disclaimer: Lavender and The 8th are mine...and the butter knife incident that Lavender refers to actually happened. :)**

* * *

…_In the woods…_

The 8th: What happened back there?

Lavender: _(in an offhanded way)_ Oh…he made fun of me, so I kicked him in the shin.

The 8th: _(stares at Lavender with an open mouth)_

Lavender: _(looks at The 8th)_ Something wrong?

The 8th: You actually _kicked_ him? I thought…wait, why don't you kick Legolas when _he_ makes fun of you?

Lavender: Do you _want_ me to start doing that?

The 8th: _(hurriedly)_ No.

Lavender: Okay then.

The 8th: _(thinks)_ You know…we haven't really been held in high esteem with the Company…

Lavender: So?

The 8th: Well…I've been thinking…what if we do something to make them respect us?

Lavender: _(snorts in disbelief)_ Like what?

The 8th: I don't know about you, but I have the sudden urge to kill some Orcs.

Lavender: Ooh! Count me in. But, The 8th…we don't have swords…

The 8th: _(is crestfallen)_ Darn it…I absolutely _hate_ technicalities…

Lavender: _(stops walking)_ Hold up… _(rummages through packs)_ There's got to be _something_ we can use…

The 8th: _(mumbles)_ Yeah…instead of beheading them all, we can hang them with that rope instead…

Lavender: Actually, The 8th, I have a better idea… _(holds up two shiny, silver utensils in the air)_ What about butter knives?

The 8th: Butter knives.

Lavender: Yeah.

The 8th: _BUTTER KNIVES_??????

Lavender: Well…they are pretty useful…did I ever tell you about that one time when I attacked this guy at school an—

The 8th: _(covers Lavender's mouth with her hand)_ All right, all right…I get your point…

Lavender: _(brightly)_ So we're gonna go whoop some Orc butt?

The 8th: Heck yeah!

Together: _(run deeper into forest)_

…_Meanwhile…_

Aragorn: _(calls out without looking over his shoulder)_ What about you, Boromir. Did you wanna play Go Fish with us? _(looks around)_ Boromir? Hey guys…Boromir's gone!

Pippin: _(organizes his hand of cards) (shrugs)_ His loss.

Legolas: Let's play. You go first, Gimli.

Gimli: Okay…Aragorn, do you have any sixes?

Aragorn: _(looks at cards in hand)_ Drat! _(gives three sixes to Gimli)_

Gimli: _(grins)_ Thank you very much, my friend.

Aragorn: _(pouts)_ No problem…

…_In the woods…_

Lavender: _(spots a large camp of Orcs) (whispers)_ The 8th! I spot a large camp of Orcs!

The 8th: _(whispers)_ Excellent.

Lavender: _(whispers)_ What should be our plan of action?

The 8th: _(continues to whisper)_ Hmmm…what about the ancient "pounce-on-them-even-though-you-have-absolutely-no-idea-what-you're-doing-in-the-first-place-and-wave-your-arms-around-like-an-idiot-hoping-that-you-hit-something-with-the-butter-knife" approach?

Lavender: _(obviously continues to whisper)_ Sounds good to me.

Together: _(shake hands)_ _(whisper in unison)_ Good luck.

…_And so, Lavender and The 8th take their first shot at the ancient ritual of warfare… _

Together: _(run screaming out of the woods into the camp, waving their arms over their heads like idiots)_

Orcs: _(stare in silence at the two floating butter knives now in the very middle of the encampment)_

Lavender: _(breathes deeply)_ I…don't think I got anyone…did you?

The 8th: _(examines butter knife critically)_ Nope, I didn't.

Orc #253: _(stares wide-eyed at the knives and voices coming from those knives)_ What the…

Orc Leader: What are we waiting for? CHARGE!!!!!!!!

Lavender: Oh shnap… _(runs)_

The 8th: Yup, that's one of the best ideas you've ever come up with, Lavender. _(sprints after Lavender)_

Orcs: _(charge, screaming after the still-floating butter knives)_

…_However…_

The 8th: Lavender!!!!! We're leading them straight to the Company!!!!

Lavender: _(gasp)_ Oh no!!!

Together: _(veer off the trail they had been following)_

Lavender: Crap! The stupid things didn't follow us!!!

…_Back by the river…_

Aragorn: _(looks around)_ Do you…hear that?

Merry: Hear what?

Legolas: _(listens for a second)_ _(swears)_ There are Orcs coming!

…_A few moments later…_

Orcs: _(charge at the Company)_

Orc Leader: _(thinks)_ Oh, _now_ I remember what we were supposed to do here… _(yells)_ Seize the Halflings!

Orcs: _(attempt to carry out command)_

…_Ugh! (covers eyes of reader)_ _Don't look…it gets pretty depressing here…anyways, here's what happens: Frodo—who of course, was previously wrestling with Boromir for the Ring—makes his escape in a boat with Sam—who miraculously escapes the onslaught of Orcs—in tow. Boromir is mortally wounded defending Merry and Pippin from the Orcs, and lies with his back against a tree. The Orcs have taken Merry and Pippin away, and Lavender and The 8th, white-faced and shaking, emerge from their hiding place among the trees…_

Lavender: Oh…my…Lord… _(takes a deep breath to steady herself)_ That has to be one of the scariest things I've ever witnessed in my life.

The 8th: _(sniff)_ Why'd they have to go and take Merry and Pippin away?

Lavender: _(sigh)_ I know what you mean… _(looks around)_ I feel all sad and forlorn inside…

The 8th: _(gasp)_ _You_?? Sad and forlorn??

Lavender: That's not funny.

The 8th: _(mumbles)_ Sorry.

Lavender: _(wipes at not-so-dry eyes) (sniff)_ I hope Frodo and Sam got out okay.

The 8th: I know…wouldn't that suck if they didn't make it to Mor—

Boromir: _(coughs feebly)_

Lavender: _(looks at Boromir, propped up against a nearby tree)_ Holy crap! You're alive!!!

Lavender & The 8th: _(run over to him)_

…_At that moment…_

Legolas: _(runs into clearing) (yells over shoulder)_ I've found them!!! _(walks over to Lavender and The 8th, who are anxiously peering into Boromir's pale face)_ Girls, have you seen the Hobb—

Boromir: _(coughs again)_

Legolas: _(looks at Boromir)_ Good God! You're alive!!!

Aragorn & Gimli: _(come crashing into the clearing fast enough to rival a cheetah)_

A Cheetah: _(randomly runs into the clearing) (realizes he's in second place)_ DRAT! _(disappears)_

Aragorn: _(comes running up to the group at the foot of the tree)_ Back up people…give the guy some room…

Everyone Else: _(backs up)_

Boromir: _(in a barely audible voice)_ Aragorn…I…tried to take the Ring from Frodo…that's what made him flee… _(coughs)_ The Orcs…they…took Merry and Pippin away…I tried my best to stop them…

The 8th: _(sobs)_

Aragorn: It's okay, Boromir…I thank you for telling me the truth.

Boromir: _(whispers)_ Go to Minas Tirith, Aragorn…defend my people…I have failed…

Aragorn: _(sobs)_ No, you haven't failed…

Lavender: _(expertly stifles a small sob)_

Legolas: _(hears Lavender) (turns to look at her in shock)_

Boromir: _(to put it quite bluntly: dies)_

Everyone Else: _(cries, some less willingly than others…)_

Aragorn: _(kisses Boromir's face for a rather _extended_ period of time)_

…_(gag) (gag) (throws up)…_

Everyone Else: _(stares at the proceedings in shock and disgust)_

Lavender: _(mutters)_ Excuse me while I go throw up my breakfast… _(walks into the woods)_

Aragorn: _(finally decides to remove his lips from the face of a dead guy) (stands up) (looks around at his companions, who are _still_ staring at him like he's either mentally retarded or gay)_

_(realizes just _why_ everyone was staring at him) (cough)_ You did _not_ just see that…

Legolas: _(to The 8th)_ See what?

The 8th: _(shrugs)_ I dunno…

Lavender: _(returns) (to Aragorn)_ I see you're finally finished… _(to Legolas)_ Do you have any _idea_ how the Lady Arwen would react if word of this incident reached her little pointed ears?

Aragorn: _(stares wide-eyed at Lavender, with his mouth slightly agape) _

Legolas: _(grins)_ No, I don't believe I do. I suggest we find out.

Aragorn: _NO_!!!!!! You _ca-an't_!

Lavender: Ooh…Legolas, I sense an ample opportunity for _blackmail_!

Legolas: _(grins)_ You know what, Lavender? I do too.

Aragorn: _(stares in horror at the pair of them)_

Gimli: This all seems rather familiar…

…_Well _duh _(smacks Gimli upside the head) (returns to that magical place where all narrators come from)…_

Gimli: OW!!!!!!! WHY YOU LITTLE… _(looks at the sky and brandishes axe)_

The 8th: _(looks from a pale-faced Aragorn to Legolas and Lavender, who are still grinning maliciously) (to Legolas and Lavender)_ You two are _the_ most devious people I have ever met.

…_BWAHAHAHAHA…_

Lavender: _(looks around)_ What the…

The 8th: _(continues)_ Heck, I don't even know _why_ I happen to _like_ you, Le— _(realizes she's speaking aloud) (blushes)_ I mean…I don't even know _why_ I happen to be friends with you, Lavender…we're so different.

Lavender: _(shrugs)_ "Opposites attract", I guess.

Legolas: _(silently stores a certain juicy tidbit of information in his head for later)_

Aragorn: _(recovers somewhat from his stupor of horror) (nudges Boromir's body with his foot)_ Instead of burying him, since we don't have much time, we should send him downriver in a boat…we won't need the boats anymore, anyways.

Gimli: That's a pretty good idea, Aragorn. Whatever possessed you to think of it?

Aragorn: _(narrows eyes)_ It's not very nice to make fun of a guy who's just had a heart attack, you know.

Gimli: I know. I just choose not to pay attention to that particular fact.

Aragorn: _(scowls)_

Legolas: _(smoothly steps into the midst of their argument, which is obviously rapidly approaching the use of weapons)_ Why don't we send _him_ on _his_ way, so _we_ can go on _our_ way?

…_About ten minutes later…_

Everyone: _(looks at the river and the rapidly shrinking boat being carried by the current making straight for a rather large waterfall)_

Awesome Elvish Boat #2: _(goes over falls)_

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ So ends Boromir of Gondor.

Gimli: _(to Lavender and The 8th)_ I _still_ can't believe you led all of those Orcs straight to us…I thought you two were smarter than that.

The 8th: _(blushes)_ Well, we didn't realize what we were doing until we were pretty close to where you were. We tried running in a different direction, but the stupid things didn't follow us…they had too much momentum, I guess.

Legolas: _(drapes a friendly arm over The 8th's shoulders)_ Don't worry about it.

The 8th: _(nearly faints)_

Aragorn: _(suddenly)_ Why'd you have to go and get him killed?

Lavender: Who, Boromir?

Aragorn: _(nods)_

Lavender: _(shrugs) (in an offhanded sort of way)_ Oh, well, I never really liked him anyway.

Everyone Else: _(stares at Lavender in shock)_

Legolas: _(starts cracking up)

* * *

_

**please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I apologize for the long wait everyone...anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing! it's your imput that helps me out (and God knows that i need _plenty_ of help), so feel free to leave a review to keep me out of the insane asylum and on fanfiction!**

**disclaimer: you should know by now what does and does not belong to me. if not...well, then...and I thought _I_ had problems...**

* * *

…_About five days later…_

Legolas: _(looks out over the plain, waiting for the rest of his companions to catch up with him)_

The 8th: _(catches up with Legolas) (looks out over the plain)_ What's wrong?

Legolas: _(jumps into the air, slightly alarmed) (looks at The 8th, standing beside him, then at everyone else, who are good ways behind)_ How did you…

The 8th: _(grins)_ Catch up with you?

Legolas: Yeah.

The 8th: Well, I've been only ten feet behind you the whole time, so it wasn't very hard.

Legolas: But…everyone else… _(looks over at the rest, who are _still_ pretty far back) (peers into The 8th's face)_ You're not an Elf, are you?

The 8th: _(laughs)_ Not that _I_ can determine…but maybe I'm wrong…

Legolas: _(chooses to ignore The 8th's comment) (looks out over the plain again)_ What do you see, The 8th?

The 8th: _(squints into the horizon)_ Umm…I see a large party of riders approaching us…they are riding very fast, and are being led by a tall, blonde-haired man. They have three horses that have no riders on them.

Legolas: _(stares in shock at The 8th) _Exactly…and how many Riders are there?

The 8th: _(stares intently at the horsemen in the distance) (confidently)_ One-hundred and five.

Legolas: Are you _sure_ you're not an Elf?

The 8th: Pretty positive…

…_At that moment…_

Aragorn: _(jogs over to Legolas and The 8th) (points into the horizon)_ Do you know what that rapidly approaching blur is, Legolas?

Legolas: _(nods)_ Riders.

Aragorn: I thought so.

Legolas: Should we try and outrun them, or do we wait?

Aragorn: How far are they?

Legolas: _(thinks)_ About five leagues.

Aragorn: I think we should wait for them. They are coming from the direction the Orcs went, and we might be able to get some news…plus, I'm still pretty tired. _(looks around) (notices The 8th for the first time)_ What are _you_ doing up here? I thought you were with Lavender.

The 8th: _(sigh)_ Well, obviously, I'm not.

Legolas: _(to Aragorn)_ I think it's best that you not pursue this further.

Aragorn: _looks from Lavender and Gimli, who are just now jogging over to them, to The 8th)_ But…how did you…

Lavender: _(sprints over to Aragorn's side) (to Gimli)_ HA! I win!

Gimli: _(arrives out-of-breath) (grudgingly)_ Fine…you win…

Lavender: _(holds out hand, palm up)_ I believe you owe me something.

Gimli: _(grumbles) (reaches hand into pocket) (pulls out two gold pieces) (puts them into Lavender's out-stretched hand)_

Lavender: _(looks at her hand)_ I believe we agreed on three, Gimli.

Gimli: _(scowls) (reaches hand into pocket) (pulls out another gold piece) (spitefully surrenders it to Lavender)_

Lavender: _(pats Gimli on the head) (grins)_ Good boy.

Gimli: _(scowls even more)_ I'm not talking to you anymore.

Lavender: _(shrugs)_ I'll live. _(pockets gold pieces) (looks out into the horizon)_ What's that blur out there? _(points)_

Legolas & The 8th: _(in unison)_ Riders.

Lavender: Ah. _(to Aragorn)_ Are we gonna try and outrun them?

Aragorn: No, I think we should wait for them to come to us. _(looks around)_ Let's go down into that depression at the foot of that hill so we can hide better. _(walks over to the place indicated)_

Everyone Else: _(follows)_

Everyone: _(waits impatiently)_

Aragorn: Whatever happened to that deck of cards?

Legolas: _(shrugs)_ I think they were Pippin's.

Aragorn: _(snaps fingers)_ Dang it!

Lavender: _(nibbles a piece of _lembas

The 8th: _(to Lavender)_ Can I have some?

Lavender: Sure. _(breaks a piece off for The 8th)_

The 8th: _(nibbles) (to Aragorn)_ This is really boring, you know.

Aragorn: _(sigh)_ Yeah, I know.

Gimli: _(sits, twiddling his thumbs) (to Lavender)_ Can I have a piece of that, Lavender?

Lavender: _(offhandedly)_ I thought you said you weren't talking to me anymore.

Gimli: _(grumbles)_

…_At that moment…_

Riders: _(come thundering past the little depression at the foot of the hill, paying no heed to the people concealed there)_

Aragorn: Well _finally_… _(waits as the last of the Riders thunder past him) (stands up) (yells)_ What news from the Mark?

Everyone Concealed at the Foot of the Hill: _(hears a series of loud screeches and smell burnt rubber as the Riders slow their horses and turn them around)_

Riders: _(come pelting back towards Aragorn) (encircle him)_

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: _(brandishes spear at Aragorn)_ Who are you, and what do you want?

Aragorn: _(in a rather amusing—for Lavender, anyway—attempt to appear tough)_ The name is Strider. I'm hunting Orcs.

Lavender: _(giggles)_

Legolas: _(whispers)_ What's so funny?

Lavender: _(whispers)_ Just listen to him! _(stifles laughter)_

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: _(jumps off his horse) (gives his spear to another Rider, but draws his sword) (peers at Aragorn for a moment) (blinks)_

Aragorn: Something wrong, friend?

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: It's nothing…at first, I thought _you_ were an Orc, but that's obviously not true. But, you seem to be either lacking knowledge or sense if you're hunting Orcs like this. They were swift, and many. _You_ would have been the one hunted if you ever caught up with the loathsome beings.

The 8th: _(tries desperately to stifle laughter)_

Lavender, Legolas, & Gimli: _(stare at The 8th) (whisper in unison)_ What's so funny?

The 8th: _(gasps for breath)_ Lavender…he just called your beloved a stupid Orc! _(giggles)_

Lavender: _(clenches fists)_

Legolas & Gimli: _(stifle laughter)_

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: _(continues)_ And yet, the name you have given me is hardly a Man's…did you spring out of the ground? That is the only way I know of for you to escape our notice. _(notices Aragorn's Elven-cloak)_ Are you Elvish?

Aragorn: Far from it. But I have just ventured from the fair land of Lothlórien, and the favor of the Lady goes with me.

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: Ah, so there _is_ a Lady of the Wood, as the old tales say. There are few that escape her nets of enchantment. _(looks at Aragorn apprehensively)_ But, one who has the favor of the Lady would also be able to cast his _own_ web of enchantment… _(backs away from Aragorn)_

Legolas & Gimli: _(stand up in anger)_

Rider #27: _(notices them) (jumps back)_ HOLY CRAP!!!

Legolas & Gimli: _(stride towards Aragorn) (stand behind him)_

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: _(indicating Legolas & Gimli)_ Who are they?

Aragorn: My companions: Legolas, an Elf of distant Mirkwood, and Gimli, Dwarf and loyal subject of the King Under the Mountain.

Gimli: _(in a rude tone of voice)_ And who are you supposed to be?

Tall Blonde Guy with Funky Helmet Who is Obviously the Leader: _(glares at Gimli)_ As for that, the stranger has no right to question, but I will answer. I am Éomer, Third Marshall of Riddermark.

Lavender: _(whispers)_ I've noticed that all men try to impress each other when they meet, but _this_ particular meeting goes a bit farther than that. They're all acting like pompous asses.

The 8th: _(stifles a giggle)_ Nicely put.

Lavender: _(bows)_

Gimli: Well, Éomer, I'll have you know that I excuse your foolish words of offense to the Lady, since it is a fairness you cannot even comprehend. But, if you say such things again, you would be a dead Third Marshall indeed.

Éomer: _(is obviously pissed)_ If you were only a _bit_ taller, you would be a head shorter at the moment, Master Dwarf.

Legolas: _(fits an arrow to the string of his bow with lightning-fast speed)_ You are obviously blind, good Éomer, for the Dwarf stands not alone. If you take a try at him, you would be dead before your blow could reach him.

Éomer: I _beg_ your pardon? _(raises sword)_

Lavender & The 8th: _(cover eyes with their hands so as to not see the pending fight)_

Aragorn: _(smoothly steps in the midst of their argument, hands raised)_ And I beg _yours_ a thousand times over, Éomer. Please forgive my friends' rashness. In time, you will come to understand why they are so upset, but now is not the time or place for it, and I'd prefer the use of speech rather than weapons to explain their reasoning to you. _(looks pointedly at Legolas & Gimli)_ And I'll talk to you two about this later.

Legolas & Gimli: _(bow heads in meek submission)_

…_A couple of hours later…_

Lavender: It was nice of them to give us these horses like that…and that pony for Gimli…

Gimli: Hey, don't make fun of my pony!

The 8th: _(to Gimli) (primly)_ She wasn't making fun of the pony…she was making fun of _you_.

Legolas & Aragorn: _(crack up)_

Gimli: _(glares)_

Lavender: _(to The 8th)_ Dude, that was _so_ my line.

The 8th: Just because you're the one that usually says all the funny stuff doesn't mean us lowly others can't get some credit too.

Legolas: Yeah, Lavender. You shouldn't be so—

Lavender: _(irritably)_ Oh, just shut up, Elf boy.

Legolas: Is that my new name or something? Geez…

Gimli: Yes.

Lavender: _(cracks up)_

Aragorn: _(to The 8th)_ You know, I just thought of something…where the heck did they get the pony in the first place?

Lavender: _(looks at the pony from where she is perched on a horse behind Legolas)_ He does sort of look familiar…

The 8th: _(stares at the pony from where she is perched on a horse behind Aragorn for a few moments) (gasp)_ It's BILL!

Gimli: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?! _(stops pony)_

Bill the Pony: Neigh.

Lavender: HOLY CRAP!!!! _(jumps off horse, even though it's still walking)_

Legolas: _LAVENDER_!!!! Don't _do_ that!! _(stops horse)_

Lavender: _(is currently patting Bill on the head)_ What? _(looks around)_ Oh…sorry Legolas.

Aragorn: _(stops horse) (amused expression on his face as he dismounts and helps The 8th off)_

Legolas: _(dismounts horse) (looks at Aragorn, who is still grinning)_ What's so funny?

Aragorn: _(looks at Legolas for a second) (cracks up)_

Everyone Else: _(stares at Aragorn)_

Legolas: _What_ is so funny?

Aragorn: _(tries to breathe through laughter) (is barely able to, as he is laughing so dang hard)_

Lavender: _(to Legolas in a slightly awed voice)_ Dude…what did you _do_ to him? I've never seen anyone laugh so hard in my life.

Legolas: WHAT IN THE NAME OF— _(eyes widen in shock and unwilling recognition)_ You have to be joking me…you seriously did _not_ just think…oh my GOD! _(stomps off with fists clenched, muttering under his breath)_

Aragorn: _(doubles over with renewed laughter)_

Lavender, The 8th & Gimli: _(look at each other with puzzled expressions) _

The 8th: Do any of you know what just happened?

Lavender & Gimli: _(look from Aragorn—who is currently pounding his fists on the ground and laughing, uselessly trying to get under control—to Legolas—who is swearing in Elvish and jumping up and down apparently trying to create a large crater in the ground—then look at The 8th) (shrug)_

Lavender: _(to reader)_ What about you? Do _you_ know what's going on?

Reader: _(is profoundly baffled, partly because Lavender is talking to him/her, and partly because he/she doesn't get the whole thing with Aragorn's laugh-attack and Legolas' temper-tantrum) (shrugs) _

Lavender: I thought so.

The 8th: Just _who_ exactly are you talking to when you do that?

Lavender: _(matter-of-factly)_ The reader.

The 8th & Gimli: _(look to the sky in supplication)_

…_Hey, don't ask _me_…she's _your_ friend, remember?…_

Gimli: I HATE YOU, D'YOU KNOW THAT??????????

…_Why, thank you… (coughs) Meanwhile…_

Legolas: _(calmly walks back to the perplexed group of two annoyingly obsessive teenage girls, a dwarf, and an awesome pony named Bill)_ Okay, I'm good.

Aragorn: _(somehow manages to get a grip on himself and reduces his all-out-laughter to a small chuckle) (gets off the ground)_

Lavender: Aragorn, that has to be the hardest I've ever seen anyone laugh in my life.

Aragorn: _(wipes the tears that he compiled while he was laughing from his eyes)_ Awe-inspiring, isn't it?

Lavender: _(nods) (to Legolas)_ What the heck was that all about?

Legolas: _(glares at Aragorn) (to Lavender)_ You don't want to know.

Aragorn: _(stifles laughter)_

The 8th: _(groans)_ Oh no, not _again_!!!!!!

Aragorn: _(is able to stop laughing)_ No, I'm good, I promise. Let's get going again. _(mounts horse) (looks at The 8th)_ C'mon, The 8th, get up here!

The 8th: _(looks at him warily)_ Are you sure you're done laughing? You're not drunk are you? Do you want me to drive?

Aragorn: _(grins)_ No, I'm fine. Get on, or we'll leave you behind.

The 8th: _(gets on horse)_ You wouldn't _actually_ do that to me, would you? Leave me out here for the cold, and the Orcs, and the who-knows-what?

Aragorn: _(opens his mouth to respond, but…)_

Legolas: _(as he climbs on his horse)_ Yes, I think he would.

Aragorn: Would not!

Legolas: Would too!

Aragorn: Would not!

Legolas: Would too!

Aragorn: Would—

Lavender: JUST SHUT THE HECK UP!

_(crickets sound)_

Lavender: _(looks around in terror)_ You've _got_ to be joking me… _(buries head in hands)_

…_(pats crickets on the head) Good crickets!!!…_

Lavender: _(anguished moan)_ I HATE YOU, D'YOU KNOW THAT??????????

…_(sticks out tongue) Likewise, young Jedi…_

Everyone: What the…

…_Never mind…just get on with it already!!!…_

Legolas: The scary voice that sounds like an-extremely-bored-teenage-girl-that-is-currently-a-senior-in-high-school-sitting-in-front-of-her-computer-busy-manipulating-our-lives is right. We need to keep looking for Merry and Pippin.

…_(slaps The 8th for some reason or another)…_

The 8th: OW! What the heck was that for? I HATE YOU!!!

…_My, I seem to be making a lot of enemies today…oh well, forget it, heed the words of the Elf-man and find the two Hobbitses_ _(returns to that magical place where all narrators come from)…_

Aragorn: I still don't understand how a voice can slap you…oh well.

Lavender: _(climbs up behind Legolas on horse)_

Gimli: _(mounts Bill the Pony)_

Aragorn: _(looks around_ Everyone situated? Good. _(shoots arm into the air)_ Hi ho, Hasufel!

Hasufel (Aragorn's horse): _(rolls eyes) (thinks to self)_ "Hi ho, Hasufel" indeed!

Aragorn: _(shakes reigns) (mutters)_ C'mon, you stupid animal…

Legolas: Need some help?

Aragorn: _(hurriedly)_ No.

Legolas: _(shrugs) (slaps Hasufel on the rump to get him going)_

Hasufel: _(startled, he gallops off)_

The 8th & Aragorn: _(scream) (nearly fall off)_

Legolas, Gimli & Lavender: _(smiles simultaneously light up faces) (watch as Aragorn and The 8th struggle to stay on the horse and regain control) (crack up)_


End file.
